


Tech Support - Gollum Style -

by Kaffn8, syxmaxwell



Category: Original Work, The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: 12 days of mordor, Be nice to the support desk, Bog of Eternal Stench, Common sense is not so common, Glitter and the Package, God-dammit Mr Noodle!, Gratuitous Firefly References, I have not had enough coffee for this shit, IT humor, It's all that saves our black little souls, There is no 'any' key, This iswhy we can't have nice things, We cuss like drunk sailors, Who let you near a computer ?!?, Yes we are laughing at you, ass-muffins, gratuitous game of thrones references, hand over the coffee and no one gets hurt, it's Mordor Soulutions, it's not microsoft, nerd humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-24
Updated: 2015-11-11
Packaged: 2018-02-26 22:34:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 18,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2668880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaffn8/pseuds/Kaffn8, https://archiveofourown.org/users/syxmaxwell/pseuds/syxmaxwell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Welcome to the helpdesk.</p><p>Instant messages between two slightly cracked out tech monkeys.<br/>This may turn into an ongoing thing, just fair warning :)</p><p>All typos are deliberate, I'll apologize now to any and all lovers of proper grammar and spelling.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day 1 - Behold, the SMITE key

**Author's Note:**

> *The SMITE key/button - a mythical item that would either send a shock through the keyboard, release a boxing glove from the monitor, or activate an ejector seat... Hey we can dream right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tech support - Gollum style - DAY 1  
> All names were changed to protect the guilty  
> Snapshots of Kaffn8 and Syx working tech support

Kaffn8 [1:01 PM]:  
we hateses us the people today...

Syx [1:01 PM]:  
snerk  
we hateses them forever precious, yes we do

Kaffn8 [1:02 PM]:  
we hateses the way they sound...and the way they breatheses...

Syx [1:03 PM]:  
They they eateses on the phone and interrupts us

Kaffn8 [1:03 PM]:  
yes they do preciouses.. yes they dooo....

Syx [1:05 PM]:  
we need therapy precious

Kaffn8 [1:05 PM]:  
wonder if weses could gets a group discount?

Syx [1:05 PM]:  
Should have a group-on for that yesss yes they should

Kaffn8 [1:06 PM]:  
Or maybes a punch card...yes we likeses punch cards...

Syx [1:12 PM]:  
Likes the crunchy sounds the punch makes, like the shattered hopeses of the ticket monkeyses

Syx[1:15 PM]:  
We needeses them to get the car-keys out of their earses 

Kaffn8 [1:22 PM]:  
snicker 

Syx) [1:23 PM]:  
They proves the darwin wrong Precious!

Kaffn8 [1:28 PM]:  
they proves all the theories wrongs...

Syx [1:34 PM]:  
We needses the SMITE* button precious

Kaffn8 [1:38 PM]:  
yesss. the SMITES buttons is the besteses buttons

Syx [1:40 PM]:  
Better than filthy hobbit buttonses... like enduserses they is

Kaffn8 [1:40 PM]:  
we hateses the hobbitses

Syx [1:41 PM]:  
Tricksey lying hobbitses with their broken computerses

Kaffn8 [1:42 PM]:  
filthy, filthy hobbitses...can'ts tell their feetses from their handses

Kaffn8 [1:42 PM]:  
or their asseses

Syx [1:45 PM]:  
They whineses about the viruses precious... Stupid fat hobbitses should stop surfing the porn...

Kaffn8 [2:05 PM]:  
but, we likeses the pronses...we may not remembers what the sun feelses likes, but the pronses...we remembers

Syx [2:09 PM]:  
*hissssssssssss* The evil daystar burnses us precious

Syx [2:21 PM]:  
Arrrgh why do they not gives us the error messages precious, they makeses us cry, they do!

Kaffn8 [2:31 PM]:  
maybes they thinkses us minds readers...

Syx [2:36 PM]:  
But but we has no magic precious, if we had the magic... the stupid would burn, yes yes it would!

Kaffn8 [2:38 PM]:  
burnses the userses, burnses them all...

Syx [2:40 PM]:  
Cackle

Syx [2:42 PM]:  
Why do they argue with us precious? If they knows how to fix it why call us, have others we could be helping yes we do

Kaffn8 [2:43 PM]:  
foolish, selfish hobbitses...only thinking of themselveses

Kaffn8 [2:45 PM]:  
don't touches my mouse precious...no ones touches my mousse

Syx 2:46 PM]:  
No! No! No! Why did you restart the computer, now we musts start all over again

Syx [2:47 PM]:  
Feed you to Her we should yesss with her webs and legses...

Kaffn8 [2:47 PM]:  
tricksey, tricksey hobbitses...knows how to wastes the times...yes they do

Syx [2:49 PM]:  
They complain about the waiting precious, but then they talk on cell phoneses while we try to fix the computerses

Kaffn8 [2:50 PM]:  
They putses us on holds...we don't like holdses. mean hobbitses

Syx: [2:51 PM]:  
Or they putses the phone on mute... hateses the mute precious only we gets to use the MUTESES!

Kaffn8 [2:53 PM]:  
speakers phoneses...they uses the speakerses and our earses they hurtses us

Syx [2:57 PM]:  
yes hateses the speaker phone precious, with the background noises so we can't hear the questionses. mean hobbitses

Syx [3:02 PM]:  
No hobbitses not allowed to install things on the computerses, hobbitses install bad things on the computerses.

Kaffn8 [3:03 PM]:  
all of hobbitses permissions taken away...sad hobbitses

Syx [3:06 PM]:  
Rude hobbitses, always interrupting us...

Kaffn8 [3:08 PM]:  
impaitent hobbitses...not wants to wait a day for helpses

Syx: 3:11 PM]:  
getting angry with us for not fixing the broken websiteses but the websiteses are not our precious, we can't fixes them. Smelly mean hobbitses

Syx [3:12 PM]:  
18 minutes of stupid left precious

Kaffn8 [3:13 PM]:  
17 minuteses now...

Syx [3:14 PM]:  
Soon we shall be free precious and back to our dark damp cave...

Kaffn8 [3:14 PM]:  
yes, the caveses. we likes our caves

Syx [3:21 PM]:  
9 minutes precious and then we is free no hobbitses yelling at us because the others have not fixed their broken computerses

Kaffn8 [3:22 PM]:  
ooohh, and thens we can hides in the darks and trapses the hobbiteses

Syx [3:23 PM]:  
We can baits the traps with taters precious, stupid fat hobbitses like their taters... 

Kaffn8 [3:23 PM]:  
7 minuteses lefteses...

Syx [3:25 PM]:  
5 minutes precious, then we runs like a hobbit chasing pie

Kaffin8 [3:26 PM]:  
oohhhh pies

Syx [3:28 PM]:  
Nooooooooooo! why did they call us now? so close to being free we were!

Kaffn8 [3:28 PM]:  
close to feeling the winds again.

Syx 3:29 PM]:  
they kills our soul precious, they kills it

Syx [3:31 PM]:  
Run precious, save yourself

Kaffn8 [3:31 PM]:  
but i can'ts leaveses you! you has the car keyses


	2. Day 2 - ethically sourced dispair

Syx [7:21 AM]:  
Good Morning Precious, we sees that the hobbitses are deaf this morning. We knows its broke stop callings us! 

Kaffn8 [7:24 AM]:  
Impatient hobbitses....we can'ts do everything before the sun comes up...it burneses us

Syx [7:25 AM]:  
Not our fault stupid trolls broke the system, scream at them they should

Kaffn8) [7:27 AM]:  
wantses us to do their jobs too, you fixes my box, you eatses my foods, carries the ring to mt dooms...

Syx [7:29 AM]:  
we can't fixes your box if it's not plugged in precious, no we can't.

Kaffn8 [7:30 AM]:  
we may be goods at some things we do, but we can'ts deliver your softwareses if you not on the networks, no precious we can'ts

Syx [7:32 AM]:  
No precious we can'ts install that program without the license. The software piracy getses us in troubles, yes it will.

Kaffn8 [7:35 AM]:  
yes, licenses, we needs the licenses...

Syx [7:45 AM]:  
Oh we likeses the nice ones precious. So polite when they askes for help. We evens laugh at their jokes when they is nice.

Kaffn8 [7:48 AM]:  
wes justs gots the emailses, the networks is gonna be broken...filthy hobbitses will panic..hehehe

Syx [7:52 AM]:  
Then theys yell and demands to know who broke the networks, stupid hobbitses  
thatses above our paygrades yes it is precious.

Syx [8:05 AM]:  
Foolish hobbitses, when weses ask for the computer name, don't tell us 'all of them' giveses us a Name!

Kaffn8 [8:11 AM]:  
stupid hobbitses, making us waits for informations, making us ask over and over 

Kaffn8 [8:31 AM]:  
needy hobbitses are needy

Syx [8:36 AM]:  
Foolish Hobbitses if you didn't back up your documentses before the computer was reimageds then the documentses is gone gone gone

Kaffn8 [8:36 AM]:  
we loathes the incomplete informations, yes we do precious

Syx [8:45 AM]:  
If you do not give us a number to reach you at we can't call you back, foolish hobbitses

Syx [8:48 AM]:  
Filthy hobbitses when we tells you to do something we means do it Now!

Kaffn8 [8:48 AM]:  
GOLLUM! GOLLUM!

Syx [8:49 AM]:  
do you want me to click on this now? Yes we wants you to clicks on it, that is why we tells you to

Kaffn8 [8:50 AM]:  
we wouldn't tells you to clicks if we don't wants you to clicks...Clicks you tricksey things

Syx [8:53 AM]:  
Stupid fat hobbitses not listening to us. If the installs just completes on the computer then no it wouldn't have worked yesterdays...

Syx [8:54 AM]:  
We needs more coffee precious, we needs it hot, bitter and as black as our souls yes we do

Syx [8:59 AM]:  
Brewed fresh with the tearses of the hobbitses, dispair adds the flavors yes it does

Syx [9:02 AM]:  
Mmmm ethically sourced dispairs tasteses nice precious

Kaffn8 [9:07 AM]:  
Tasteses like our favorite foods, all rolled into oneses. 

Syx [9:08 AM]:  
Cackle

Syx [9:12 AM]:  
Oh precious we tells them they can't install things from websiteses oh how they cry. Silly silly hobbitses you should nots randomly install things on computerses no you shouldn't

Kaffn8 [9:13 AM]:  
filthy hobbitses, ignoring their trainings, then beggings us for helps. 

Syx [9:14 AM]:  
we reimages their computers when they install bad things, yes we do

Kaffn8 [9:14 AM]:  
Sticking things where they don't belong. No usb driveses for you!

Syx [9:17 AM]:  
We is sorry you thinkses we is useless because we aren't allowed to fixeses your issue... Wait, no we isn't 

Syx [9:30 AM]:  
does the phone client show us in break precious?

Kaffn8 [9:33 AM]:  
yes it does...breakses for you!

Syx [9:53 AM]:  
Stupid hobbitses, you have to give us the computer nameses if you wants us to access the boxeses

Kaffn8 [9:59 AM]:  
no matters, to us. you don't helpses us...we don't helpses you.

Syx 10:06 AM]:  
Foolish hobbitses, you should make sure the phoneses is hung up before making fun of us, yes yes you should. Speaker phoneses picks up your comedy routineses. You is not readys for the comedy central no yous isn't

Kaffn8 10:08 AM]:  
silly hobbitses...didn't learn thats sounds carry

Kaffn8 10:09 AM]:  
precious, we must not forgets to sign our timesheets today

Syx [10:16 AM]:  
Yes we signed it already precious

Syx [10:35 AM]:  
The mordor plagueses of microsoft patches has broken the emails again precious. We hateses the microsoft patches, hateses it forever!

Syx [11:03 AM]:  
If they don't answers the phoneses they don't gets the helpses precious, no they don't

Kaffn8 [11:03 AM]:  
Then they has to call us backs, foolish hobbitses

Syx [11:04 AM]:  
But not at our direct line, no we never giveses that out. Tricksey hobbitses has to call the main number.

Kaffn8 [11:05 AM]:  
no never evers gives out the direct line numberssss, ever never

Kaffn8 [11:08 AM]:  
we thinks it's time for the hobbitses to go back to their stinky hobbits holes

Syx 11:10 AM]:  
Silly Snidely Hobbitses says we needses the Gandalf cause we not rights...

Kaffn8 11:19 AM]:  
but why does precious only gets the Gandalf? We don't wants a stinky old wizard!

Syx: [11:25 AM]:  
Bah, the Snidely thinkses the Gandalf fixeses us precious, we likeses our souls this way. Gandalf should be fixings Stupid Hobbitses

Kaffn8 [11:27 AM]:  
maybe the big gandalfs can't reach the stinky hobbitses...

Syx [11:36 AM]:  
not even Gandalfs can fixeses the stupid

Syx [11:50 AM]:  
Stupid ticket system crashes on us precious, it loseses all out noteses

Syx [12:31 PM]:  
the software client hateses us precious, and we hateses it back

Kaffn8 [12:31 PM]:  
we takeses it and smashes it with rocks we do.

Syx [12:32 PM]:  
like fishies... we likes fishies precious

Kaffn8 12:32 PM]:  
fishes taste good, not like hobbitses

Syx [12:33 PM]:  
Hobbitses has fat and add flavor!

Kaffn8 [12:34 PM]:  
not these hobbitses...

Syx [12:35 PM]:  
theses hobbittses are stringy and get stucks in our teetheses

Kaffn8 12:36 PM]:  
yes they do Precious, yesss they dooo

Syx [12:55 PM]:  
we don't likeses it when the software breakses, but we knowses it's job security yes we do.

Syx [1:00 PM]:  
Why do they submits duplicate ticketses precious?

Syx [1:07 PM]:  
Send them to Mt Doom we should, filthy hobbitses

Kaffn8 [1:07 PM]:  
Makes them carry the tech manuals and certificateses we doo...

Syx [1:11 PM]:  
After we makeses them listen to songses that get stuck in their headses yessss

Syx [1:55 PM]:  
Weses hungry precious... needs a snack we do

Kaffn8 1:56 PM]:  
I has tropical veggie chips

Syx [1:56 PM]:  
ooooo sounds tasty precious

Kaffn8 [1:57 PM]:  
you needs to come and get them...they not like the hobbitses and walks on their own...

Syx [1:58 PM]:  
Stupid Hobbits should have stay'd in Isengards

Syx [2:10 PM]:  
owies, we bitses our lip crunching on the tasty chips precious

Kaffn8 [2:11 PM]:  
Stupid lips, always in the way it is...yessss

Kaffn8 [2:15 PM]:  
had it with the lying hobbitses today

Syx [2:15 PM]:  
filthy lying hobbitses

Syx [2:18 PM]:  
We askeses their name and they say Jane but they is male... unless your last nameses is Cobb you is not JAYNE!

Kaffn8 [2:18 PM]:  
Curses on you false jayne...we curses you to dead!

Syx [2:22 PM]:  
we takeses the cunning little hatses and we beatses you with it!

Kaffn8 [2:22 PM]:  
then we beatses you with the ice planetses...

Syx [2:23 PM]:  
then we sellses them to fox and getses them canceled!

Syx [2:23 PM]:  
Stupid Foxeses, taking away our showses

Syx [2:28 PM]:  
no printerses for hobbitses, no no none for you

kaffn8 [2:29 PM]:  
and that's what you gets for being lying hobbitses...lying selfish hobbitses...

Kaffn8 [2:29 PM]:  
forces to share your printerses

Syx [2:32 PM]:  
wasteful hobbitses can walk down a hallway to printses the copieses

Syx [3:01 PM]:  
precious we only has 29 minutes left yesssssss

Kaffn8 [3:05 PM]:  
now weses has 25 minutes until the hobbitses are on their own

Syx [3:06 PM]:  
heh heh heh

Syx [3:11 PM]:  
19 minutes until freedom precious

Kaffn8 [3:14 PM]:  
16, yes 16 now

Syx [3:15 PM]:  
so weses can run for the door like a hobbitses chasing sexy dwarf booty

Kaffn8 [3:16 PM]:  
but whats if I don't wants sexy dwarf bootys? Do I still haveses to chase it?

Syx 3:17 PM]:  
you can chases the elveses booty precious

Kaffin8 [3:17 PM]:  
Goods, dwarveses are too shorts for meses

Syx 3:25 PM]:  
oh preciousssss only 5 minutes left yes yes yes

Syx [3:30 PM]:  
RUn preciouse RUN! we is free!


	3. Day 3 - likes the Jon Snows, yous know nothings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter, happy turkey day

Day 3

Syx [7:35 AM]:  
Oh precious why do they call in with the wanna-be IT tech supportses? Foolish hobbitses you likes the Jon Snows, yous know nothings

Syx [7:36 AM]:  
and don'ts log in until we tell yous too

Kaffn8 [7:37 AM]:  
yess, precious...foolish hobbitses know the nothings...

Syx [7:40 AM]:  
oh precious we has not had enough coffee for this yets, no we hasn't

Kaffn8 [7:40 AM]:  
We are still drinking our firstses cup, yes we are.

Syx [7:42 AM]:  
Filthy hobbitses we knows what we is doing. If we says the software is needing repairs that is whats we do

Kaffn8 [7:48 AM]:  
But the hobbitses have to shuts up so we can tells them what the problems is. Yess they do

Syx [7:55 AM]:  
We don't cares what your fellow hobbitses say, theys nots a ticket monkey, we is and we knowses how to fixes it.

Kaffn8 [8:10 AM]:  
but since you were means to us, we is not going to fix your box. No we is not, we is going to send your problems to Shelobs so she can eatses you

[8:22 AM]:  
yesss letses the tickets molders in her forrest

Syx [8:52 AM]:  
they is sad sad hobbitses precious, no email for them no no, should learn to clean the inboxeses yes they should.

Syx [9:12 AM]:  
Oh precious they should nots be allow to clicksey on things... no they shouldn't

Kaffn8 [9:13 AM]:  
They get too clicksey, clicksey on everythings and then it freezeses the boxeses...

Kaffn8 [9:21 AM]:  
Why doeses the filthy hobbitses has to destroys the bathrooms? We thinkses they needs to change their dieteses

Syx [9:21 AM]:  
Nasty nasty creatures they is... Mt Doom them we should

Syx 10:02 AM]:  
Foolish foolish hobbitses, no network connectivity for you!

Kaffn8 10:03 AM]:  
hobbitses should be in the hobbits holes eating their 2nd breakfastses.

Syx 10:19 AM]:  
hobbitses should learn to use the googles precious, yes they should.

Kaffn8 10:23 AM]:  
foolish hobbitses

Syx [10:23 AM]:  
And they should not interrupt us no they shouldn't

Syx [10:28 AM]:  
Did we says uninstall the software? No we dids not. Filthy hobbitses, stop clickings on things!

Kaffn8 [10:38 AM]:  
But Precious...we coulds uninstalls the filthy hobbitses...yes we could.

Syx [10:39 AM]:  
They makeses us grind our teetheses...

Kaffn8 [10:44 AM]:  
they blameses us for all of their problemsss.

Syx [10:46 AM]:  
They needses to give us the error message precious, they is not as smarts as they thinks they is... tricksey hobbitses

Syx [10:50 AM]:  
but their cries of dispair pleases us precious yes they do

Kaffn8 [10:51 AM]:  
We gets to be happy when they pleads with us...it warmses us.

Syx [10:51 AM]:  
yes down to the cockleses of our cold, black, little hearts it does

Syx [11:59 AM]:  
poor sad hobbitses if yous didn't do the bad things your access wouldn't be blockeds

Kaffn8 [12:00 PM]:  
foolish hobbitses...didn't reads their paperworks...

Syx [12:01 PM]:  
no theys didn't, theys just clickseys away and install the bad things... trickeys false hobbitses

Kaffn8 12:48 PM]:  
hobbitses don't understands how re-images work...think that it's magics

Syx 12:54 PM]:  
Oh precious the hobbitses is stupids, they lets the magic smoke out of the computerses


	4. Day 4 - hobbitses can't count

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 4

Syx [7:26 AM]:  
oh precious the stupid has started early today, yes it has

Kaffn8 [7:27 AM]:  
hobbitses has a few extra days off and they looses their damn minds

Syx [7:28 AM]:  
Does the hobbitses put the stuffings in their ears precious? Because they  
don't listen no they don't.

Kaffn8 [7:28 AM]:  
they wantses to play with the mouses, yes, they do.

Syx [7:34 AM]:  
Yes and then they getses lippy when they clicks on the wrong thing

Kaffn8 [7:36 AM]:  
We needses more of the bitter, black waters, the ones that giveses us  
life...

Syx [7:38 AM]:  
They sit there and lie to us precious, they say I is not moving the mouse  
but we watches it move on the remote screenses, filthy lieing hobbitses

Syx [7:58 AM]:  
Oh precious, why do they not understand whats we mean when we say no?

Kaffn8 [7:59 AM]:  
they is stupid, mean, tricksy hobbitses

Syx [8:19 AM]:  
If we giveses you two options and says pick one... you only get to pick one!  
Stupid hobbitses yes or no, pick one!

Kaffn8 8:22 AM]:  
we alls know that the hobbitses can't count

Syx 8:26 AM]:  
Stupid hobbitses don't restart the computer during a security scan!

Kaffn8 8:30 AM]:  
and don'ts enter your pins numberses while I am waitings for my admins to  
show up...

Syx 8:48 AM]:  
Foolish hobbitses, is not our fault that the microsofts break out systems

Kaffn8 [9:01 AM]:  
tricksey hobbitses, trying to updates I tunes

Syx [9:02 AM]:  
enjoy the reimage foolish hobbits that is not approved softwareses not it is  
not

Kaffn8 [9:49 AM]:  
hobbitses can't read errors today..."it just the normal one you know"

Syx: [9:51 AM]:  
oh yes hobbitses fail today. Wants to yell at them to either listen or we  
spoils the Game of Throneses for them

Syx: 10:12 AM]:  
Foolish hobbitses, if you is a desktop support you should already knows how  
to do the troubleshootings yes you should

Syx [10:13 AM]:  
And if yous calls us on a cell phoneses make sure you has decent receptions

Kaffn8 [10:15 AM]:  
no, wes don't likeses the cell phones.. or the ones that do the crackles in  
our ears

Kaffn8 [11:10 AM]:  
we hateses the phrase..."well it worked before"...we hateses it will all our  
beings

Syx [11:35 AM]:  
Impatient hobbitses your tickets was submitteds 45 minutes ago, no it's not  
fixed

Syx [1:36 PM]:  
Stop yelling into the speaker phone rude hobbitses you hurtses our ears

Syx 2:26 PM]:  
drunk dwarfs calling us for help... we is the filthy hobbits tech supports  
precious! We don't supports the dwarves, or the elves, or the stooopid  
humnanses

Kaffn8 [2:27 PM]:  
Stinky dwarfeses...shorter than the hobbitses they are...

Syx 3:00 PM]:  
tricksey hobbitses, if you heard the messages that somethings is broke,  
don't call us and ask if it's broke.

Kaffn8 [3:01 PM]:  
It may not be brokeses anymore...foolish hobbits

Syx [3:22 PM]:  
8 minutes precious

Kaffn8 [3:25 PM]:  
5 minuteses now...only 5

Syx [3:27 PM]:  
bless us and splash us precious we is almosts free

Kaffn8 [3:28 PM]:  
soo closssseee...yesss so close now

Syx: [3:30 PM]:  
why... why precious... they trapses me, tricksey false hobbitses


	5. Day 5 Gollums and David Bowie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 5 Gollums and David Bowie

Syx [7:34 AM]:  
Good morning precious, we wonder if the hobbitses know we says 'Have a nice  
day' because if we says what we really thoughtses we would be fireds yes we  
would

Kaffn8 [8:21 AM]:  
If the stinky hobbitses are going to use a speaker phone, we are going to  
whispers...

Syx [8:22 AM]:  
Cackle

Kaffn8 [8:22 AM]:  
If they are going to sound like they are 3 miles away from the phone, so  
will I

Kaffn8 [8:53 AM]:  
'so I have 4 systems that need to have printers mapped'

Syx [8:56 AM]:  
Sucks to be you hobbitses

Kaffn8 [8:57 AM]:  
And she is off to get the hostnames for the other 3 systems...

Syx [8:59 AM]:  
Tricksey tricksey hobbitses

Kaffn8 [9:00 AM]:  
and surprise precious...they are all different hobbitses

Syx [9:00 AM]:  
Hisssssss

Syx 9:02 AM]:  
Wretched hobbitses, should call in their own tickets yes they should

Kaffn8 [9:16 AM]:  
precious...we do not have the patiences to deal with the nasty hobbitses  
chewing in our earses today

Syx [9:20 AM]:  
manky Hobbitses, eat your taterses then callses us

Syx [9:49 AM]:  
Nasty hobbitses don't make calls when yous is in the bathroom... hopeses  
your cell phone droppses in the toilet

Kaffn8 [10:08 AM]:  
I am so freaking done with these people today...even Smeagol is failing me

Syx [10:10 AM]:  
Is ok precious the Gollum luvs you, even if stupid smeagol failses you

Syx [10:31 AM]:  
Failings Hobbitses... when we askes what is wrong, don't tells us the  
computer 'won't do anything' we needs detailses, error messageses... Filthy  
hobbitses

Syx [10:42 AM]:  
Drops them into the Bog of Eternal Stencheses

Kaffn8 [11:01 AM]:  
and leaveses them there for ever and evers...

Kaffn8 [11:05 AM]:  
no filthy hobbitses there.

Syx [11:07 AM]:  
but but but the glitters precious... and the glitters and 'the package'

Kaffn8 [11:07 AM]:  
don'ts you forgets the hairs...

Syx [11:14 AM]:  
No ones can forget that hairs precious

Kaffn8 [11:16 AM]:  
our stomachs sounds like a pod of whaleses today...

Syx [12:00 PM]:  
We has the rumbly in our tumblies precious

Syx 12:23 PM]:  
Oh precious we has the scorn SCORN for the local support

Syx [12:35 PM]:  
The local techs makeses us weep for the humanities precious

Kaffn8 [12:39 PM]:  
they is trying to pass us arounds like a cheap hookerses, just pass and  
pass...

Syx [12:41 PM]:  
They don't listen precious... We tells them what page to go to and then,  
nothing but silence...

Syx [1:13 PM]:  
We wishes we could set fire to the hobbitses with our brainses, yesssssss

Kaffn8 [1:16 PM]:  
and explodes them into little itty bitty hobbitses bit

Syx [1:18 PM]:  
squish splat goes the hobbitses

Kaffn8 [1:19 PM]:  
why don't the hobbitses answer us when we askses them the questions

Syx [1:20 PM]:  
Because hobbitses has the selective deafnesses?

Kaffn8 [1:34 PM]:  
they makeses us wants to pull out what's left of our hairs, they do

Syx [1:38 PM]:  
Grindses the enamel offses out teeth we do

Kaffn8 [1:39 PM]:  
chews our fingers into little nubses, and then dips them in salt...hobbitses  
makes us think that this is a viable way to makes a living...

Syx [2:16 PM]:  
Oh precious we has songs stuck in our heads, not sure if it is better or  
worse than hearing whiny hobbitses

Syx [2:21 PM]:  
we tells them to open the adobe precious... they open word, why do they do  
this to us precious? Is we speaking the Black Tongue or Quenya?

Kaffn8 [2:22 PM]:  
no, we is speaking the Swahilis

Syx [2:22 PM]:  
and stuck on the Mordor switch yes we is

Kaffn8 [2:32 PM]:  
or maybes we are talking in the riddles...Oh how we loves the riddles?

Syx [2:38 PM]:  
yess riddles, such fun... better than stupid hobbitses wanting their phones  
fixed but not knownings the phone numbers

Kaffn8 [2:39 PM]:  
but that is our riddle...you knows the one we can'ts answer...

Kaffn8 [2:39 PM]:  
stupid mean hobbitses

Syx [2:47 PM]:  
It's ok precious, their pain warms our souls yes it does warm warm warm

Syx [2:49 PM]:  
Hissssss filthy hobbitses found my emails precious. Now they emailses me  
wantings the help

Kaffn8 [2:50 PM]:  
we should emails them back telling them to call in for a ticket...yes we  
should

Syx [2:53 PM]:  
Bah, it is a duplicate ticket... tricksey hobbits need to stop creatings the  
ticketses over and over. we workses the oldest one first and closes the rest

Syx [3:04 PM]:  
my computers runs hot, they cry... It's wont see the hard drive they  
whimper... Too late foolish hobbitses you cookses it til its dead!

Kaffn8 [3:08 PM]:  
Wants to argues with us today, we don't wants to argues with you, we wants  
to go back to our caves and not bother anyone

Syx [3:28 PM]:  
less than 2 minutes precious

Kaffn8 [3:29 PM]:  
fuuu!


	6. Day 6 - it did...it went 'splodey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 6

Day 6 

Syx [7:04 AM]:  
Good morning precious, we sees they broke the permissions this morning. Filthy goblins getting the hobbitses all riled up

Kaffn8 [7:27 AM]:  
stupid goblins...always pokeses the things

Syx [7:50 AM]:  
Deaf hobbitses not listening to the message, we knows it's broke, you is making us wish for whiskey to add to the coffesses

Kaffn8 [7:51 AM]:  
blind hobbitses...can't sees anything!

Syx [8:18 AM]:  
Just had a lovely hobbits tell me, 'Well if you have a message saying the program is broke, why are they staying on the line to bother you? They need to pay attention.' 

Wishes we could sends her a cookies, such a nice hobbit

Kaffn8 [8:27 AM]:  
nice. wes likeses that one!

Kaffn8 [8:50 AM]:  
Foolish hobbitses, thinks we break stuffs so we can gets more monies...more like they wants to eat all the foods...

Syx [9:33 AM]:  
why why do the hobbitses ask us theoretical questionses about things that is not happening to thems? Go ask the googles! We has real issueses to work on!

Kaffn8 [9:36 AM]:  
cause tricksey hobbitses has nothing better to do...unless they is trying to walk to mt doom...then we can loose thems in the swamps...

Kaffn8 [9:36 AM]:  
bye, bye hypothetical hobbitses

Syx 9:40 AM]:  
Nooo stupid hobbits I can't see another users ticket without their last name and/or their ticket #. They wants to know, they can calls in!

Kaffn8 [9:41 AM]:  
we is tired precious, tired of the foolish hobbitses talking on the phones while we are helping them.

Kaffn8 [10:04 AM]:  
no, we don'ts needs 3 shires calling us to tells us that it's broken! foolish hobbitses

Syx [10:05 AM]:  
look at ticket #######

Syx [10:05 AM]:  
Dear hobbitses... Die in a FIRE

Kaffn8 [10:06 AM]:  
is my brain gonna 'splode?

Syx [10:07 AM]:  
yesssssss

Kaffn8 [10:07 AM]:  
it did...it went 'splodey

Kaffn8 [10:07 AM]:  
Assholes

Syx [10:09 AM]:  
yes yes they is

Syx: [10:09 AM]:  
Feeds them to Shelob

Kaffn8 [10:09 AM]:  
is okay, I just had a lady that was adamant that she was going to have 3 shires call in for the softwares problem

Syx [10:11 AM]:  
Stupid Hobbitses, Sauron should have finished the job, yes he should

Kaffn8 [10:11 AM]:  
hobbitses should not be allowed around the thingses with the moving parts...

Syx [10:13 AM]:  
Or thingses that is sharp

Kaffn8 [10:14 AM]:  
but sharps thingies means no more hobbitses eyes...

Syx [10:14 AM]:  
squish squish squish goes the hobbitses

Syx [10:33 AM]:  
filthy hobbits do whats we tell you, we can't fixes it if you don't listenses

Kaffn8 [10:34 AM]:  
needs to cleanses out ears...with a very, very sharp knife...

Syx [10:35 AM]:  
Hissssssssssssssssss

Syx [10:36 AM]:  
Either stfu or you gets to go to the card officeses we don't cares any more

Syx [10:37 AM]:  
We hopes you can feels our scorn through the phoneses yes we do

Kaffn8 [10:40 AM]:  
feels the hates as it flows through you...to the stupid, foolish hobbitses...

Kaffn8 [10:50 AM]:  
precious, we needs a vacation...

Syx [10:51 AM]:  
Mt Doom is nices this times of year... no hobbitses

Kaffn8 [10:52 AM]:  
but we could also go to mordor...quiet but for the goblinses and the stupid balrog...

Kaffn8 [10:52 AM]:  
stomping and crushing and making too much noiseses

Syx [10:55 AM]:  
cursings and roarings and burnings the hobbitses and dwarveses and wizardses

Syx [11:21 AM]:  
impatient hobbitses, wants an account created as soon as the request is submitted. Waits your turns

Kaffn8 [11:25 AM]:  
but nooo, we can'ts waits our turns... we wantses it now!!!!!

Syx [12:05 PM]:  
Stupid hobbitses, .PDF is PDFs, .xfdl is a completely different document typeses.

Kaffn8 [12:20 PM]:  
it's okay precious, we knows that the hobbitses cannot read anyway

Syx [12:20 PM]:  
wants to finds whoever sent out that mass email telling the hobbits to submits the tickets for the broke program and chokeses them

Syx [12:35 PM]:  
We catcheses the false hobbitses trying to install Itunes updates... shame shame shame

Syx [1:07 PM]:  
Ass-hat hobbitses, you has to sit through the outage messages, don't gets lippy with us. we know it's broke, you know it's broke, stop pestering us

Kaffn8 [1:08 PM]:  
hobbits can't stop, they is born that way, all they do is mess, and pester, and lie to us...

Syx [1:08 PM]:  
Tricksey, false hobbitses

Kaffn8 [1:09 PM]:  
filthy, filthy hobbitses

Syx [1:13 PM]:  
Tree-shagging elveses needs to stop calling us. we can't fix their boxeses no we can't

Kaffn8 [1:22 PM]:  
were they the murkwoods elveses...

Syx [1:25 PM]:  
Derp-wood elveses

Syx [1:46 PM]:  
Lazy, stupid, false hobbitses... no we don't have information on a software server, you is the T2, ask your managers...

Syx 2:06 PM]:  
Twit hobbitses, are we fussings at you? no, so stop asking us if wes can hold on a minute... Toadsuckers

Kaffn8 [2:14 PM]:  
maybes the hobbitses all fell asleep...tired of poking at us.

[2:57 PM]:  
and Mumbles McWhiney needs to use the inside voice, yes yes yes

Kaffn8 [3:09 PM]:  
Inside voices. pffthhh filthy hobbitses makes alle the noises they can

Syx [3:13 PM]:  
only 17 more minute precious

Kaffn8 [3:13 PM]:  
lazy ass hobbitses won't read a name to us

Syx [3:14 PM]:  
no nameses no serviceses

Syx [3:25 PM]:  
5 minutes, yes only 5 left

Kaffn8 [3:26 PM]:  
yess, 4 now, we can almost smell the earth, 4 minuteses

Syx [3:26 PM]:  
Retreat to our caveses

Syx [3:28 PM]:  
hungry precious... wants to crunch and munch yes yes

Kaffn8 [3:29 PM]:  
one minutses...one left

Kaffn8 [3:29 PM]:  
too bad it's not the same with the hobbitses

Syx [3:29 PM]:  
heh heh... Hobbitses can suck it

Syx [3:30 PM]:  
run precious! we is free


	7. Day 7 - Welcome back to the Suck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back to the Suck

Day 7

Syx [7:08 AM]:  
Welcome back to the suck precious

Kaffn8 [7:21 AM]:  
stupid hobbitses, we know it's broken! Why does you waitses for 20 minutes to tell us this???

Syx [7:21 AM]:  
Stupid hobbitses, there is a big difference between 'I can't login to program____' and 'I have no network connectivity'

Syx [7:31 AM]:  
No stupid hobbitses you is not supposed to change your account info in the messaging system because you gots a new email address. that is two separate programs... idjits

Kaffn8 [7:44 AM]:  
now they needs our helps! they only calls us when they wants something! tells us how to work our admin accountses...

Syx [7:45 AM]:  
No hobbitses we do not trainses you to do your jobses, go askses the Gandalf to teach you

 

Kaffn8 [8:13 AM]:  
We should be able to taze the hobbitses if they call us to complain bouts the broke programs

Kaffn8 [8:26 AM]:  
we don't want to deal with these hobbitses today, we want to roll them all down Mt. doom and into the hot lavas.

Syx [8:32 AM]:  
Bar-b-qued hobbitses

Syx [8:51 AM]:  
Whiney hobbitses, not my fault you has not accountses

Kaffn8 [8:52 AM]:  
if the filthy elveses can do their trainingses...so can you.

Kaffn8 9:14 AM]:  
tricksey hobbitses trying to add a printer to a machine on a private network...we can'ts do that

Syx [9:34 AM]:  
filthy hobbitses, we tolds you, you have to connect to vpn before you tries to connect to the network from home... stupid mouth breathing hobbitses

Syx [9:42 AM]:  
Hissssssssssss

Kaffn8 [10:23 AM]:  
We spitses at the hobbitses...we don't likes it when they try to do things they are not supposed to.

Syx [10:26 AM]:  
Stupid hobbitses thinks they know everything... knows enough to be dangerous to the boxeses

Syx [10:32 AM]:  
hobbitses act like outages are extinction eventses... we could only wishes, heh heh heh

Kaffn8 [10:33 AM]:  
Extinct all the hobbitses!!!

Kaffn8 [11:10 AM]:  
so tired of dwarves calling the wrong numberses

Syx [11:12 AM]:  
stupid hobbitses if wes do not support the system we don't has further info on its

Kaffn8 [11:13 AM]:  
foolish hobbitses, always leaving thier maps in other places, can't tells us where we need to go or whats we need to do...

Syx [12:33 PM]:  
Silly hobbitses never empty the recyle bin! Now the fileses cannot be restored

Syx [12:47 PM]:  
stupid hobbitses, don't gets snotty with us when we askes you a questions. If we don't know we can't helps... rassem frassem, egg-suckin, toad-lickin...

Kaffn8 [12:49 PM]:  
knuckles dragging, deaf, blind day old nutsack hobbitses!!

Syx [12:50 PM]:  
gonna chokes a hobbitses

Syx [1:09 PM]:  
Oh precious we had to walk away from the phone for a few minuteses

Kaffn8 [1:10 PM]:  
You should have taken us with you!!!

Syx [1:11 PM]:  
Tricksey hobbitses you don't needs to know what all the terms means, you is not tech-support monkey.

Kaffn8 [1:11 PM]:  
Wes don't likeses it when you leaves us behind!

Kaffn8 [1:11 PM]:  
Maybe we should makeses them monkey

Syx [1:14 PM]:  
or sends them to the google, yesssss

Kaffn8 [1:21 PM]:  
I don't thinks we wants to give the hobbitses the gifts of the googles...they would breakes more then they do now

Syx [1:26 PM]:  
likes spoiled childrens they is

Kaffn8 [1:27 PM]:  
smelly spoiled children...I prefer boiled children myself

Syx [1:27 PM]:  
boils 'em, mash 'em, puts 'em in a stew?

Syx [2:56 PM]:  
So tired precious

Kaffn8 [2:57 PM]:  
to tireds to talk anymore...wants to go homes and curl up in the caves

Syx [3:00 PM]:  
Dark, warm caveses, with the netflixses and the internet prons

Syx [3:07 PM]:  
slovenly hobbitses and their speaker phoneses

Syx 3:30 PM]:  
Flee precious! Flee


	8. Interlude - A love letter from the 1st level IT support desk.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gollum needed a break. Here's a love letter from your tier 1 ticket monkies.

A love letter from the 1st level IT support desk.

 

Kaffn8 [7:37 AM]:  
Dear User, If you are gonna call, at least get your shit together! I am tired of waiting for people to go to another computer to try and figure their shit out

Syx [7:52 AM]:  
Dear Enduser, If you have not logged into a computer in some time it will be slow to load up, it has to check for updates... jack-wagon 

Kaffn8 [7:52 AM]:  
Dear User, do not, I repeat DO NOT restart your shit while you are waiting on hold...

Syx [7:55 AM]:  
Dear Enduser, be advised that when I put You on mute... I can still hear what you say. Especially when you have me on speaker phone. 

Kaffn8 [8:00 AM]:  
Dear user, it is no longer the 80's. The excuse 'I am not good with computers' doesn't fly

Syx [8:03 AM]:  
Dear Enduser, If you are going to walk away from your office and have a co-worker stick around for you, make sure they know what it is that you need. We are not going to try and guess what your problem is

Kaffn8 [8:04 AM]:  
Dear lazy ass, The phone is like 3 feet from you...call in for your own damn problem. We don't like playing telephone relay!

Kaffn8 [8:17 AM]:  
Dear user, DO NOT give your pin # out to other users!!!

Syx [8:18 AM]:  
Dear Enduser, security violations make us sad, and vengeful

Syx [8:26 AM]:  
Dear Enduser, if it wasn't working, then it started to work and you do not have the error message, I cannot tell you what the initial issue was.

Syx [8:36 AM]:  
Dear Tier 2 Tech, I should not have to explain how to perform basic troubleshooting, you are supposed to have more training and knowledge than I do. Please learn how to do your own job.

Syx [8:41 AM]:  
Also, do not just randomly do things to users computer while we are working with them, either help the user before they call us or shut you pie hole, keep your paws to yourself, and let us do our job

Syx [8:56 AM]:  
Dear Enduser, The system sends automated emails to tell you take your training. If you ignore those emails they will take away your access. This is not my fault it is yours.

Kaffn8 [8:56 AM]:  
Dear Tier 2...If our wait time is over 20 minutes I don't think we will be adding 4 systems to the network... not when you can do it!

Syx [9:02 AM]:  
Dear Enduser, If you know that we do not control the system or the policies that has disabled your access please stop bitching at us. We cannot change it, we cannot circumvent it. You should have taken care of your crap the 1st 2 times you were notified. We don't want to hear, 'It isn't fair' your training is your responsibility. And don't pull the 'I didn't know card' when you told us at the start of the conversation that you disregarded the notice.

Kaffn8 [9:17 AM]:  
Dear User, no, I will not be talking to you and 3 of your buddies..one person per call, get your information and put in web tickets for the simple shit

Syx: 9:21 AM]:  
Dear Enduser, Yes we know you had to wait on hold, we are busy today. Please don't act like an entitled asshat. Let us fix your issue and get to the next person. The longer you natter on the longer the next person has to wait.

Syx [10:16 AM]:  
Dear Enduser if you are going to spell things phonetically, do it properly or not on a speaker phone. It's J as in Juliette not Jar. If I can't hear you clearly, I am not going to know wtf you are talking about. And if you are desktop support, you should know how the domain and reimage policy/process works.

Kaffn8 10:27 AM]:  
listen up...'website' is 'website', Email is Email. Your email is your email.... and there are no passwords here.

Syx [10:35 AM]:  
If I say I can't hear you multiple times, take the phone off speaker, because that shit gets real old real fast

Syx [11:03 AM]:  
please, don't ramble at us, tell us what you need, answer our questions and let us help. If this is too much effort for you, submit a web ticket and we'll get to it when we can

Syx [12:18 PM]:  
If you want us to help you with your computer, call us while you are at the computer in question. We cannot wave a magic wand to fix things

Kaffn8 [12:19 PM]:  
but...but...we can just push a button and whammo! EVERYTHING is fixed.

Syx [12:20 PM]:  
yeah the SMITE button

Kaffn8 [12:21 PM]:  
the big red button...

Kaffn8 [12:35 PM]:  
no, accounts are not instant... you need to fix your shit and apply then wait like everyone else for it to be created


	9. Day 9 - Once more into the breech

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once more into the breech

Syx [7:27 AM]:  
Precious why do the hobbitses reboots the computers during the security scanses? Do they wants to makeses us cry?

Kaffn8 [7:27 AM]:  
Hobbitses likes to make Smeagol cry. they get preverse sense of pleasure out of our tears

Kaffn8 [7:39 AM]:  
Why do they not tells us their error? Why does they let us guess?

Syx [7:44 AM]:  
Because hobbitses fail?

Kaffn8 [7:58 AM]:  
what's can I helps with? Printer...Okay, anythings else? Can't print. Um, whats the printer information? I don't haves it...Smeagol head hit deskses

Syx [8:04 AM]:  
What imageses does your computerses have hobbit? Windows 7 is nots an image that is Operating System

Syx [8:06 AM]:  
And tells that filthy hobbitses in the background that they is not Tech Supportses and to shutses their pie-hole. We knows how to do our jobses

Syx [8:51 AM]:  
No hobbitses MS websites are not internal siteses. we is not Micro Soft, We is Mordor Solutions

Kaffn8 [8:52 AM]:  
buts do you remembers when we took over the googles??

Syx [8:59 AM]:  
Hobbitses, when we askes you if you can get to any websites, try before you tell us you can'ts

Syx [9:09 AM]:  
Dear hobbitses, if you are not going to follow instructionses we will sends your ticketses to the level 2 and yous will have to waitses

Kaffn8 9:09 AM]:  
Whats?! You thinks that the hobbitses has some sense...you is wrong! Hobbitses has nothing but stinky feets!

Kaffn8 [10:10 AM]:  
we needs more coffee precious, we is going to fall asleep in our chairs

Syx [10:11 AM]:  
sweet sweet cafineses it is our lifeses blood

Kafffn8 [10:45 AM]:  
hads to get us more coffeeses, yes, black and bitters as our souls...

[10:47 AM]:  
Brewed fresh with hobbit tears and warmed with the firey wrath of a thousand  
suns

Syx [12:15 PM]:  
tell them to not reboot, hobbitses is stuuupid

Kaffn8 [12:17 PM]:  
He wasn't bad for a hobbits...

Kaffn8 [12:28 PM]:  
lazy hobbitses, get new card, not want to do the works, not want to get certificates....

Syx [12:29 PM]:  
no certificateses no access, kinda likeses not gloves not loves

Syx [1:01 PM]:  
hobbitses... Stop rebooting! THe boxeses has to be scanned before they is allowed onto the networkses. We tells you if you needses to reboot.

Syx: [1:09 PM]:  
we tells the level 2 that the 2013 issueses can be fixed by removingses the faulty patcheses precious. Stupid tricksey hobbitses argue with uses and make non-approved changeses to the clients... oh how we wants to punt thems into the mt dooms

Kaffn8 [1:11 PM]:  
Foolish level 2....

Kaffn8 [1:12 PM]:  
stoopid hobbitses, don't they know to talk into the phone?

Syx [1:12 PM]:  
we can hears them talking to the users precious, trying to be quiet they is whiles they say someone told them about the fixeses... if you has heard abouts it then why did you argue with us? STFU and lets us do our jobses

Syx [1:12 PM]:  
Our cup of care is empty precious

Syx [1:13 PM]:  
the fields where we plants our fuckses is fallow

Kaffn8 [2:26 PM]:  
Don't these stinky hobbitses has holes to go to???

Syx [3:06 PM]:  
stupid hobbitses when we says print a test page to get the information, printses a test page.

Syx [3:06 PM]:  
24 minutes left precious

Kaffn8 [3:21 PM]:  
wes only has 9 teeny minuteses left...not long now just 9

Syx [3:30 PM]:  
time to run like a hobbitses chasing cake precious!


	10. Day 10- Christmas in mordor?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas in mordor?

Kaffn8 [7:33 AM]:  
We wantses to smack this hobbitses

Syx [7:34 AM]:  
Smackses 'em with a fish precious? 

Kaffn8) [7:34 AM]:  
Feed thems to Shelob, idiot hobbitses

Kaffn8 [7:34 AM]:  
Makes them work if they want their issues resolved...yesss we makeses them work for it

Syx [7:35 AM]:  
Cackle

Syx [7:35 AM]:  
You clickses when we tells you to clickses tricksey hobbitses

Kaffn8 [7:36 AM]:  
You needs to remembers your errors messages, we can'ts helps you if you don't remembers

Syx [7:36 AM]:  
No we cant's

Kaffn8 [7:37 AM]:  
making the hobbitses wait...we will makeses the hobbits wait until we are tired of thems...teach them to mess with us precious

Syx [7:38 AM]:  
Yessssssssss

Syx [7:42 AM]:  
oh precious, hobbitses needs to stop talking, they is not funny and we has not had enough coffeeses for this shit, no we hasn't

Kaffn8 [7:43 AM]:  
We wants to get snippy with the hobbitses today...but we'd better not. Needs more coffees

Syx [7:45 AM]:  
Was not worth chewing through the restraints today, no it was not

Kaffn8 [7:59 AM]:  
manky hobbitses are deaf , we are getting really really tireds of having to say things twice today

Syx 8:02 AM]:  
only twice precious, you is lucky todays

Syx [8:08 AM]:  
Dear filthy hobbitses, if you wantses a computer added to the networkses... giveses us the computer nameses!

Kaffn8 [8:37 AM]:  
we needs a message that says...if you need help with softwares, please makes sure that your computers is on!

Syx 8:59 AM]:  
Hobbitses when we says it is a known issues, WE KNOW, give us the infoses and quits whining. We knows how to fix it.

Syx [9:54 AM]:  
Precious why does the hobbitses make us weep for humanity? They acts like we is speaking derpwood-speak

Kaffn8 [10:17 AM]:  
stoopid hobbitses always mumbling under their teeths

Syx [10:19 AM]:  
hobbitses has too many teethes precious, we only has 9s... or is it 6s?

Kaffn8 [10:26 AM]:  
I don'ts know...we losts counts

Syx [10:29 AM]:  
Too bads Mom-Voice is not in todays... wes could user her snarkses

Kaffn8 [10:30 AM]:  
yes, yes we could

Syx [10:31 AM]:  
We don't support the dwarf-sites, call dwarfses support desk, false hobbitses

Kaffn8 [11:05 AM]:  
don't these hobbitses has homes to go to?? why they gots to call us and makeses us pull our hairs out?

Syx [11:05 AM]:  
Mean nasty hobbitses

Kaffn8 [12:00 PM]:  
my fingers are freezing today

Syx [12:09 PM]:  
Our rage keepses us warm precicous

Kaffn8 [12:14 PM]:  
foolish hobbitses...no ticket # no helpses you

Syx 12:17 PM]:  
False, filthy elveses, go backs to the mirkwood and askses for help, wes don't have access to that forrest

Kaffn8 [12:17 PM]:  
calls for august tickets in Decembers...shame on hobbitses

Syx [12:18 PM]:  
Don't tell us it is prioritieses when you hasn't called and it's been broke for montheses

Syx [12:20 PM]:  
####### Who letses the Moon-moon makes ticketses???

Kaffn8 [1:03 PM]:  
God Dammit moon moon!

Syx [1:18 PM]:  
hobbitses need to stop moving things around while we is remoted into their boxeses precious

Kaffn8 [1:39 PM]:  
we is tired of this shit precious...

Syx [1:40 PM]:  
yes we is, on the plus side we gots the Snidely to taste the cinnamon-sugar snaps and we brokeses is brain

Kaffn8 2:16 PM]:  
wow, a hobbits just asked me if wes are gonna be open during the holydazeses

Syx [2:17 PM]:  
Because it's always Christmas timeses in Mordor, MT Doom is always lit

Syx 2:51 PM]:  
39 minutes left preciousssss

Kaffn8 [2:52 PM]:  
but, but my boxes says 38 minutes...yesss... I will go with 38

Syx [2:53 PM]:  
Foolish foolished hobbitses no you is not allowed to install 'Bing Bar' is not approved

Syx [2:54 PM]:  
was a level 2 hobbitses no less

Kaffn8 [2:54 PM]:  
oohhh...sounds like re-imageses for the hobbitses

Kaffn8 [2:54 PM]:  
bad level 2 hobbits...bad

Kaffn8 [2:55 PM]:  
Should loose a level and has to go back to beginning...all the way to the hobbits holeses

Syx [2:56 PM]:  
tempted to sendses the ticket to the info mgt hobbitses and say 'See! See whats the filthy hobbitses do?!?'

Kaffn8 [2:57 PM]:  
well, we must ask ourselves...Precious, was the hobbitses mean, or were they nicer to us?

Syx [2:58 PM]:  
bah, was a ticket sent by crowses wes didn't talks to the hobbitses

Kaffn8 [2:59 PM]:  
stupid crowses...good for eating, not so good when sent from dirty hobbitses

Kaffn8 [3:16 PM]:  
only 14 little hobbitses bones left... then no more to crush until tomorrow

Syx [3:22 PM]:  
8 little hobbitses sitting on the boatses...

Kaffn8 [3:24 PM]:  
6 little hobbitses in shelobs cave...

Syx  
[3:25 PM]:  
Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive hobbitses that stole our ring... bastards

Kaffn8 [3:26 PM]:  
4 hobbitses running from nazgulses...

Syx [3:27 PM]:  
3 warg scouts

Kaffn8 [3:28 PM]:  
2 pretty elveses

Syx [3:29 PM]:  
and a trip to Mt Doom for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Syx [3:30 PM]:  
run precious!

Kaffn8 [3:30 PM]:  
run likes you gots the ring!!!


	11. gollum tech support day 11 ( 12 days of Mordor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy chapter 11, Smeagol and Gollum will be on vacation until after Christmas

Syx [7:24 AM]:  
we are 75 deep in queue

Syx [7:24 AM]:  
merry fucking christmas precious

Kaffn8 [7:24 AM]:  
that's fan-fucking-tastic  
Stupid hobbitses

Kaffn8 [7:26 AM]:  
tells us this, can we says "disconnect the network cable and log in" any clearers? 'cause apparently that meanses just unplugs it then plugs it back in and logs in

Syx [7:28 AM]:  
right ups there with' do not restarts computer if you have a ### IP address'

Syx [7:37 AM]:  
OMFG... why is Gollum stucks on the deaf hobbitses switch

Syx [8:31 AM]:  
sooo many deaf hobbitses this morning

Syx (SAIC) [8:32 AM]:  
tricksey rebooting hobbitses

Kaffn8) [8:32 AM]:  
STOP TOUCHING THINGS!!!

Syx [8:32 AM]:  
hateses them forever

Syx [8:34 AM]:  
don'ts tells us you is not computer savvys, just clicks where we tells you

Kaffn8 [8:36 AM]:  
Stupid hobbitses, follows directions damn youse!!

Kaffn8 [8:36 AM]:  
and this is supposed to be the slows times of the years

Syx [8:48 AM]:  
dear level 2s, If yous are still on image 4.0s, expects to be quarantineds until you updates to 4.6s

Kaffn8 8:48 AM]:  
We is all gonna gets boned with long waits times

Kaffn8 9:00 AM]:  
i finally gots a hobbitses that doesn't have a Quarantine issue!

Syx 9:01 AM]:  
Oh happy day

Kaffn8 [9:01 AM]:  
is an emails problemses! Oh joy! Like fresh fisheses

Syx [9:01 AM]:  
Been telling hobbitses, your gots lots of quarantined boxeses, puts in a web ticketses

Kaffn8 [9:11 AM]:  
goofy level 2 hobbitses should be ables to removes system, shelob is being a jerk by making us takes all of the calls for the broken boxeses... shelob should not breaks stuff

Kaffn8 [10:12 AM]:  
lucky bitch...you get to miss all this glamour tomorrow

Syx [10:12 AM]:  
MWAHAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA coff coff

Kaffn8 [10:12 AM]:  
hateses your face!

Syx [10:13 AM]:  
foolish foolish hobbitses you putses the line on hold and we getses the beepy holds tones, we disconnectses. No helpses for you!

Kaffn8 [10:16 AM]:  
hobbitses don't knows how to work a phoneses...disconnects us from speakers

Kaffn8 [11:00 AM]:  
is it totally pathetic that I am happy we are under 20 minutes in queue?

Syx [11:05 AM]:  
lol smeagol is happy... Gollumn has not had enoughs coffees for this shit

Kaffn8 [11:20 AM]:  
Wes sneaked an extra cup when your backs was turned...

Kaffn8 [1:23 PM]:  
filthy, sneaky hobbitses are all heading back to thier holes...

Syx [1:24 PM]:  
yessssssssss

Kaffn8 [1:24 PM]:  
Leaveses us alone they do...makeses the day betters!

Syx [1:24 PM]:  
hopefully they waitses out the fell winter and not bothers us til the springs yesss

Syx [2:52 PM]:  
48 minutes left precious

Kaffn8 [2:52 PM]:  
Yay!

Syx [3:07 PM]:  
24 minutes precious... whiney hobbitses needs to get other themselveses yessss not my fault the security policy gotses them locked out

Kaffn8 [3:09 PM]:  
holy crap, hour longses call

Kaffn8 [3:10 PM]:  
that should helpses gets call timeses up

Kaffn8 [3:11 PM]:  
sicks of hearing that I am being too efficientses

Syx [3:12 PM]:  
needs to get in touch with your inner hobbitses

Kaffn8 [3:12 PM]:  
nasty hobbitses

Syx [3:12 PM]:  
then the efficientses will plummet

kaffn8 [3:14 PM]:  
16 littles minuteses left

Syx [3:18 PM]:  
12 Ura-kai!

Kaffn8 [3:19 PM]:  
11 rohan riders...

Syx [3:20 PM]:  
10 dwarven axes

Kaffn8 [3:20 PM]:  
9 people walking

Syx [3:22 PM]:  
8 Ents a'stomping

Syx [3:23 PM]:  
7 spears a'throwing

Syx [3:24 PM]:  
6 elves a'slaying

Kaffn8 [3:24 PM]:  
5 pretty dwarvesssss!

Syx [3:26 PM]:  
4 hobbitses got my ring... bastards

Kaffn8 [3:26 PM]:  
3 old ass wizards...

Syx [3:28 PM]:  
2 oliphants

Kaffn8 [3:28 PM]:  
And 1 ring to corrupt everything!!

Syx [3:30 PM]:  
RUN precious


	12. Day 12 - Decaf - Noun - Useless Brown water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Decaf - Noun - Useless Brown water

Syx [7:44 AM]:  
oh yes precious it is monday. and we hateses the Mondays

KAffn8 [7:49 AM]:  
With the stinky hobbitses thinking we forgets all of their transgressions...but we don't... we never do

Syx [7:51 AM]:  
no we always rememberses and never forgiveses

Kaffn8 [8:04 AM]:  
stupid hobbits, quit acting like giving us the informations is a chore! 

Syx [8:05 AM]:  
we laughses at their pain precious

Syx [8:19 AM]:  
tricksey hobbitses if we says we can'ts remote in, we can'ts. Shutses up and eatses some cake

Kaffn8 [8:22 AM]:  
No cakes for the hobbitses...they can has nasty elf breads

Syx [8:22 AM]:  
fats stupid hobbitses

Syx [9:13 AM]:  
foolish hobbitses... we putses in the ticket less than 1 hour ago, no it is not doneses... You is level 2 you should knowses this!

Kaffn8 [9:55 AM]:  
Smeagol is ready for a naps...

Kaffn8 [9:56 AM]:  
Stayed up too late watching the stupid dwarveses and hobbitses

Syx 9:56 AM]:  
want some tea precious? we has the nice flavorses

Kaffn8 [9:56 AM]:  
Na, Smeagol already had 2 cups of coffeeses

Syx [9:57 AM]:  
Gollum had to switch to the mint teases, but at least is nots decaf.... foul tricksey false decafses

Kaffn8 [9:58 AM]:  
dirty waters it is...washed down from shelobs cave, it does...Yoda I am

Syx oh [10:40 AM]:  
oh precious our mutes button keeps us employed, yes it does

Syx [11:11 AM]:  
and our phoneses makes us deaf

Kaffn8 [11:12 AM]:  
whens they are workings!

Kaffn8 [12:25 PM]:  
stupid hobbitses should at least learn the nato letters!

Syx [12:26 PM]:  
oh precious we know that the hobbitses act stupid and helpless so wes do everythings for them

Kaffn8 [12:27 PM]:  
Yeah, cause motel and hotel sound so much different...

Kaffn8 [12:28 PM]:  
Askes the hobbitses...M like mike, or H like hotels...hobbitses says motel...

Syx [12:31 PM]:  
makeses us wind up our slapping hand, yes they do

Syx [2:34 PM]:  
The hobbitses makes our sinus headache that much worse precious, yes they do

Syx [2:54 PM]:  
oh precious we weepses for the futures yes we doooo

Kaffn8 [2:55 PM]:  
Scraping the bottom of the barrels now, running out of the tolerable  
hobbitses...now just terrible hobbitses

Syx [2:56 PM]:  
hates them with the passion of the Mt Dooms

Kaffn8 [2:57 PM]:  
drops them in the mountains...roll them down the hills and feeds them to the trolls

Syx [2:58 PM]:  
Shelob baitses yesssssssssssssss

Syx [3:24 PM]:  
6 minutes left precious

Kaffn8 [3:25 PM]:  
only 5 now, until we can takes ourselves homes to our nice warm caveses

Syx [3:26 PM]:  
4 left tick tock

Syx [3:27 PM]:  
3... 3 more precious

Kaffn8 [3:28 PM]:  
2 more, then we's can escape

Syx [3:31 PM]  
Release the HOUNDS


	13. Day 13 - go bitch to Gandalf.

Kaffn8 [7:27 AM]:  
Stupid dwarves softwares...

Syx [7:29 AM]:  
Mom Voice has been trying to pound facts through stupid hobbitseses head for last 5 minutes... poor poor Mom Voice

Syx [7:31 AM]:  
Deaf Hobbitses we says it is not our website. White Council Runs the site, go bitch to Gandalf.

Syx [7:32 AM]:  
Optional - means you don't have to, Mandatory means you has to. How hard is this to understand precious?

Kaffn8 [7:32 AM]:  
But Gandalf doesn't listed to hobbitses...more interested in elf booty

Kaffn8 [7:36 AM]:  
foolish hobbitses...have your shits together before calling! We don't has times to waste waiting for your short asses

Syx [7:57 AM]:  
Stupid Internet Explorer keeps crashing precious, Stupid Stupid Microsoft...

Kaffn8 [8:42 AM]:  
stupid softwares...we hateses the softwares

Kaffn8 [8:51 AM]:  
phone client is being 'tarded today

Syx [8:51 AM]:  
yes it is

Syx [8:51 AM]:  
my feeties is cold precious

Kaffn8 [8:51 AM]:  
mine too

Syx [9:59 AM]:  
Bad hobbitses, if you can't giveses us the error message we will just duct tapeses you to a dwarfses and sets the wargses loose on you

Syx [10:13 AM]:  
We has the opening theme song to lilo and stich stuck in our head precious....

Kaffn8 [10:13 AM]:  
Ooooo so mean precious...

Syx [10:13 AM]:  
Ooooo so mean precious...

Kaffn8 [10:13 AM]:  
Snickers

Syx [10:24 AM]:  
wish we coulds play the music in the backgrounds, giveses the ear wormses to the hobbitses heh heh heh

Kaffn8 [10:41 AM]:  
we don'ts like the tickets system today, made by drunk dwarves...

Syx [11:02 AM]:  
elf humping drunking dwarveses

Syx [1:45 PM]:  
tricksey false hobbitses... use the googles if you dont's want to listen to Gollum!

Syx [3:08 PM]:  
only 22 minutes left precious, we should send the snidely out to warm up the car yesssssssssss

Kaffn8 [3:09 PM]:  
oooh, warm caves on wheels...we likeses the warm caves

Syx [3:12 PM]:  
wheelses on the caveses goes round and round...

Kaffn8 [3:12 PM]:  
round and rounds...

Kaffn8 [3:12 PM]:  
all day long

Syx [3:13 PM]:  
takeses us to a pub... warm dark caveses with boozes

Kaffn8 3:23 PM]:  
7 now, before we can leave the hobbitses in the cold...

Syx 3:24 PM]:  
left them freezes their thieving fingerses off yesssssssssssss

Syx [3:31 PM]:  
Run precious we is freeeeeeeeeee


	14. Day 14 - It's 5 O'clock somewhere...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's 5 O'clock somewhere...

Syx [7:25 AM]:  
mmmm coffeeeees precious, sweet sweet cafinated loverses that does not betrays us...

Kaffn8 [7:25 AM]:  
Giveses us the energies to deal with the lying, tricksey hobbitses

Syx [7:31 AM]:  
mmmm yes it does precious

Syx [7:32 AM]:  
Warms the cockleses of our cold black little heartses

Syx [8:51 AM]:  
Stupid hobbitses, don't need informations on the computer that is working;  
needses the informations on the broken computerses...

Syx [8:58 AM]:  
false hobbitses, have the computer ups and logged in whens you call us! Can't troubleshoots if it's off!

Kaffn8 [8:59 AM]:  
They expects us to fix thier mistakeses, but don't wants to listen to what we has to say 'bout things

Kaffn8 [10:30 AM]:  
Fithy hobbitses needs to go back to thier holes, we don'ts want to listen to thier whiney hobbits voices today

Syx [10:32 AM]:  
heh heh heh, i gets to aux out for raven tickets

Kaffn8 [10:34 AM]:  
Buts I was working tickets too

Syx [10:35 AM]:  
neener neener

Kaffn8 [10:35 AM]:  
I justs nots do any more so pffttthhh

Syx [10:35 AM]:  
Cackle

Kaffn8 [11:44 AM]:  
http://www.buzzfeed.com/kmallikarjuna/so-yesterday-misha-collins-gave-out-his-number-on-twitter?sub=2480956_1446762#.hjoJLYLJq6

Syx [11:48 AM]:  
LOL!

Kaffn8 [11:49 AM]:  
always go with Kale...

Syx [11:49 AM]:  
and you can have france

Syx [11:58 AM]:  
we wants to be Misha Collins when we grows up precious

Syx [2:12 PM]:  
oh precious we wishes that Mumbles Mcwhiney would shutses the pie-hole

Syx [3:03 PM]:  
28 minutes til happy cave time precious

Kaffn8 [3:08 PM]:  
22 lefts now, yesss only 22

Syx 3:15 PM]:  
15 little minutes to go

Kaffn8 [3:21 PM]:  
9 leftses

Syx [3:27 PM]:  
3 minutes til beer o'clock

Kaffn8 [3:27 PM]: Mead :30

Kaffn8 [3:28 PM]:  
2 minutes till Cork o'clock! 

Kaffn8 [3:29 PM]:  
booze puns...

Syx [3:31 PM]:  
Irish O'clock. bail!

Kaffn8 [3:31 PM]:  
Run the fuck away!!!


	15. Day 15 - Muppets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day fifteen  
> Sorry about running behind, so you get a double post today. Also Kaffn8 is setting up her own account on AO3! I'll link to her page once she's ready and you can follow Tech support on either her page or mine!

Syx [8:14 AM]:  
Good morning precious, we sees that the hobbitses is extra special today

Kaffn8 [8:17 AM]:  
they makeses our brain hurts today...our brain already hurtses us and they makeses it worse...

Syx [8:24 AM]:  
Tricksey hobbitses, we don't careses if Lync is part of MS 2013, if it's not approved, you can'ts haves it!

Syx [8:37 AM]:  
Filthy hobbitses... Yous did not do 'already' performs that steps we is doing. Ifs you did, the file nameses would already be changed...

Syx [8:38 AM]:  
Getting hobbitses to follow directionses is like lipreadings muppetses precious

Kaffn8 [8:41 AM]:  
No foolish hobbitses...you can nots have an outlook profile for a different user under your profile...only yours

Syx [10:13 AM]:  
Tricksey hobbitses don't understands that our spirit animalses is the Grumpy Cat

Kaffn8 [10:16 AM]:  
and the honey badgerses

Kaffn8 [10:23 AM]:  
our giveses a damns is busted

Syx 10:29 AM]:  
Our cupses of care is emptieses

Kaffn8 [10:29 AM]:  
fields of fuckeses are fallow and barren

Syx [10:40 AM]:  
We salted and burnded that shit yes we did yesssss we did

Syx [12:26 PM]:  
naptime yet precious?

Kaffn8 [12:26 PM]:  
yes, yes it is...

Kaffn8 [12:45 PM]:  
Apparently the chicken soupses was a bad meal choice...wes can eat raw fisheses...not the chickens.

Syx [1:33 PM]:  
Oh joyous day precious, we is back to raven-ticketses

Syx [1:38 PM]:  
Filthy hobbitses, if you submitses the raven-ticektses and then you calls in and gets it fixeded tells us you has an open ticketses!

Syx [2:55 PM]:  
36 minuteses left precious

Kaffn8 [3:00 PM]:  
31

Syx [3:08 PM]:  
23 little minuteses left precious, then we goes back to our warm dark caveses

Kaffn8 [3:08 PM]:  
yes the dark caveses are nice

Syx [3:15 PM]:  
Fifteen only fifteenses left!

Kaffn8 [3:21 PM]:  
10

Syx [3:22 PM]:  
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeight

Kaffn8 [3:24 PM]:  
Sevenses

Syx [3:24 PM]:  
Six! bless us and splash us Six!

Syx [3:29 PM]:  
1


	16. Day 16 Mt Doom and early Graves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 16 - my blood pressure

Syx [8:00 AM]:  
Wishes we could sets the hobbitses on fire with our minds today, yes we  
doooo

Kaffn8 [8:02 AM]:  
whiney hobbitses, it does no good to get mads at us...If we were the ones setting policieses...we wouldn't be taking your callses!

Syx [8:04 AM]:  
Would be sittings on top mt doom, being petted by elveses and dwarveses... throwing thingses at hobbitses...

Syx [8:23 AM]:  
tricksey hobbitses if you is in one state don't call for someone half the countryses away!

Kaffn8 [8:47 AM]:  
Foolish hobbitses...couldn't find a hole in the ground if they fell down Moria

Syx [9:38 AM]:  
we hopeses the balrog eateses them precious

Kaffn8 [9:38 AM]:  
stupid hobbitses! keeps your fecking ticket #'s!

Syx [9:42 AM]:  
But precious that would require the hobbitses to be responsibles for their own shitses

Kaffn8 [10:21 AM]:  
we know of no such creatureses...goblins are better and keeping track of things

Syx [10:23 AM]: Deaf hobbitses when we asks you where you is located... doing give us a org unit, gives us a city and state.... hissssssssssss

Syx [10:24 AM]:  
we askes you for a building number... don't giveses us the org unit again either!!!!!!!!!!

Syx [10:35 AM]:  
we is gonna stroke out precious... hobbitses trying to drive us to early graveses

Kaffn8 [11:22 AM]:  
bastards...

Syx [11:50 AM]:  
the lunch breakses makes it all better precious... 30 whole minuteses free of hobbitses

Kaffn8 [12:15 PM]:  
Ifs only we could has several more of those breakses precious...in a row

Syx [12:16 PM]:  
And no mumbles mcwhiney....

Kaffn8 [12:42 PM]:  
Gollum thinkses we should has paid nap timeses after the lunches

Syx [12:46 PM]:  
yessss we agreeses... also how can we dropps the hobbitses into MT Doom and makes it look like an accidentses?

Kaffn8 [12:46 PM]:  
we leadses them...with stupid elf breads and potatoes! they jump in on their ownses

Syx [1:48 PM]:  
Filthy hobbitses, Did we say PU doc? No. We said AU doc... stop clicking on shit and follow directions hissssssssssssssss

Kaffn8 [3:08 PM]:  
23

Syx [3:25 PM]:  
only five minutes left precious

Kaffn8 [3:30 PM]:  
1

Syx [3:30 PM]:  
start the car!


	17. day 17 - all out of fucks, sarcasm loading... 75% completed

Kaffn8 [10:33 AM]:  
I have hit a whole new level of not giving any fucks today'

Syx [10:33 AM]:  
we buried the fucks with the goblinses under the misty mountains yes we did

Kaffn8 [10:35 AM]:  
now even the greedy dwarveses can't find it

Syx [10:36 AM]:  
we has to remindses ourselves that is this shit worked we would be out of jobses

Syx [10:51 AM]:  
hobbitses place us on hold... makeses us sleepy

Syx [10:54 AM]:  
tricksey hobbitses we tolds you we don't have access to that systemses... Contacts vendor support like we tolds you.

Syx 11:06 AM]:  
fine we sends the ticket off, level 2 and tells you know and close your ticketses foolish hobbitses

Kaffn8 [11:06 AM]:  
yes, let the level 2 trolls deal with the hobbitses!

Syx [12:23 PM]:  
Deaf hobbitses, if we says the serverses is decommissioned we meanses it!

Kaffn8 [12:25 PM]:  
it's nots hiding in our pocketses...is to big, we would never leaves the cave if that was the case

Kaffn8 [1:42 PM]:  
No! Foolish level 2 troll! I will nots tells you how to do your jobs! You should be better at the googles!

Syx [1:48 PM]:  
The phone ringses just as we is going to break... it crushes our black little soul....

Syx [2:43 PM]:  
Filthy level 3 Orcses... why you call us for ticket infoses? Call the wizardses and askses the questions we is not wizardses... stupid balrog killing wizardses...

Kaffn8 [2:43 PM]:  
Then stoopid balrogs get the ticketses...

Syx [2:56 PM]:  
We is sorry hobbitses did the middle of our sentence interruptses the beginings of yourses?

Kaffn8 [2:58 PM]:  
annoying hobbitses...all they wants to do is talk and talks and talkssss. We is tired precious...

Syx [3:31 PM]:  
run precious we is done!


	18. Day 18 - Sackville-Bagginises

tech support Day 18 - Sackville-Bagginises

 

Syx [7:28 AM]:  
No hobbitses we can't add a name to the network when it already existses. Systemses does not allow for duplicateses

Kaffn8 [7:32 AM]:  
All of my hobbitses have been on repeats...I can't gets into my boxses...I didn't do my trainings...no wonder stoopid hobbits are stoopid

Syx [8:11 AM]:  
tricksey hobbitses, stop stretchingses a 2 minute call into a ten minute call. we toldses you what to do, now go do its!

Syx [8:24 AM]:  
they makeses our head hurts yes they doooo

Kaffn8 [8:24 AM]:  
Wes had to gets another cup of coffeeses today, yes we did.

Syx [8:27 AM]:  
Whiney hobbitses, Go ahead and getses a Sackville-Bagginses, won't makeses us break policy for you, no it won'ts

Syx [9:10 AM]:  
No hobbitses, we don't know why the file was corrupts, we can fixeses it or youses can wait for the level 2 troll, thatses your optionses

Kaffn8 [9:13 AM]:  
Nasty hobbitses...wait for your turn!

Syx [9:32 AM]:  
Know-it-all Hobbitses, Stop clickings on thingses!

Kaffn8 [9:40 AM]:  
Hobbitses... need to use brains a little, if we say we's can't hear you, or there is a bad connection, we's can't hear youse!

Kaffn8 [9:41 AM]:  
Yelling doesn't make the shitty phones line clear up!

Syx [10:49 AM]:  
selfish hobbitses, stop askingses the inane questions. We fixeded your problem, no go aways so we can helps the other hobbitses

Syx [12:15 PM]:  
why do the hobbitses insist on draggings out the calls precious... Whyyyyyyyy?

Kaffn8 [12:17 PM]:  
why do theys has to callses us?? Why can't theys go and do their push-up things

Kaffn8 [12:25 PM]:  
no. Foolish Hobbitses...We cannot tell you what is wrongs with things if you don'ts tell us what the magic boxeses say!

Kaffn8 [1:14 PM]:  
563% done with this shit today

Syx [1:16 PM]:  
Filthy hobbitses if you can't tell us the nameses of the boxeses we can't helps you!

Kaffn8 [1:22 PM]:  
our little black hearts is skipping with joys at giving hobbitses bad news today...Not our faults you didn't do training

Kaffn8 [1:24 PM]:  
And no...You cannots have another month accesses

Syx [1:27 PM]:  
We is sooooooooooo sorry but we cannots bypass security mandateses, no we can't

Kaffn8 [1:28 PM]:  
"but whoes decided that it was okay to just flips a switch and turn off my programs?'

Syx [1:29 PM]:  
Foolish hobbitses, did you not readses the user policieses before you signs them?

Syx [1:30 PM]:  
And if you calls us and you is OUTSIDE your officeses at least have the error messageses and box infoses

Syx [2:05 PM]:  
if we set the policieses we would not be answering the phoneses you foolish ass-hat-hobbitses

Kaffn8 [2:44 PM]:  
Wells we are sorry precious, that you think the reminders emails we sends out about your trainings hurts your precious littles feelingses

Syx [2:49 PM]:  
would the pissy-ass hobbitses like some cheeses with their whineses?

Kaffn8 [3:04 PM]:  
This hobbitses would...

Syx [3:05 PM]:  
wisheses we could sets them on fire with our brainses precious... useses the flames to warm our cold little feetieses

Kaffn8 [3:10 PM]:  
Stupid hobbitses...wants to pushes them all into Mt dooms...watch them burns

Syx [3:12 PM]:  
douses them in oil first... we loveses the stench of burnt hobbitses in the morningses

Kaffn8 [3:12 PM]:  
precious...we weepses for the seconds shifts...we is going to leaves then they can deal with the filthy tricksey hobbitses

Kaffn8 [3:16 PM]:  
15 minuteses and we can runs for the caveses

Syx [3:18 PM]:  
lickeses out mental woundses in privateses

Syx [3:31 PM]:  
RUN precious RUN


	19. Day 19 - stylle and getting too old for this shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMFR - Oh My F*(&^ing Ring

Day 19 - stylle and getting too old for this shit

Syx [7:09 AM]:  
Is Mirkwood down precious?

Kaffn8 [7:09 AM]:  
yes..since yesterdays

Syx [7:09 AM]:  
Filthy Elveses need to fixeses is already

Kaffn8 [7:17 AM]:  
It was down all day yesterdays...elves letter boxes is full, and has to send a raven ticketses for it...

Syx [7:41 AM]:  
Hobbitses should listen when we askeses for something. If we askses for IP address, don't giveses us the host name over and over.

Kaffn8 [7:42 AM]:  
stupid deaf hobbitses

Syx [7:43 AM]:  
We is sorry hobbitses, is our answering the phone interrupting your socials timeses? Feel free to callses us back when you has the timeses to actually talkses to us

Syx 7:50 AM]:  
... WTF, stupid hobbitses, don't have Entses call in ticketses for you. Entses don't know the answerses to our questionses!

Kaffn8 [8:05 AM]:  
Entses can't tells a box from a hole in the grounds!

Kaffn8 [8:09 AM]:  
Can precious gets into the Mordor???

Syx [8:09 AM]:  
and why is an Ent even in the Shireses? They is supposed to be in the fangornses not shireses

Syx [8:12 AM]:  
hmmm can we sneakses into mordor... we will check

Kaffn8 [8:13 AM]:  
Stupid entses...moving in where they don't belongs

Syx [8:15 AM]:  
nope we can't get into mordor

Kaffn8 [8:17 AM]:  
well, I guesses that the level 2 trolls will be nice and busy withses the encryptionses

Syx [8:17 AM]:  
Teacheses them to be all warm and happy under their mountainses, letses them suffer with us yessssssssssss

Kaffn8 [8:19 AM]:  
I is gonna throws the next hobbits that calls and is not looking at the boxes, into mount dooms

Syx [8:23 AM]:  
Coatses them in butter first, that way stupid eagleses can't getses a grip to saveses them

Syx [8:38 AM]:  
If we sayses login... we meanses login... Deaf hobbitses

Kaffn8 [8:42 AM]:  
I say we uses fish gutses...that ways the eagles will eatses them

Syx [8:43 AM]:  
giveses the eagleses the food poisonings precious... is they an endangered specieses?

Kaffn8 [8:44 AM]:  
who careses...eagles needes to eats too

Syx [8:46 AM]:  
mmm Sauron Scorched Eagleses? Originalses or extra crispieses?

Kaffn8 [9:06 AM]:  
We makeses the hobbitses works for their helps today...yes works for it!

Syx [9:17 AM]:  
No hobbitses we is NOT going to stay on the line while you fish through the iconses on your computer, We has people that needses help, you is not the only hobbitses in MIddle Earth

Kaffn8 [9:55 AM]:  
Did you Trollshaw just quit?

Syx [9:57 AM]:  
Sauron Response errorses

Kaffn8 [9:57 AM]:  
Stupid trolls softwares....

Syx [9:58 AM]:  
Someone kicked the boulderses... it's back up

Syx [10:23 AM]:  
Too many hobbitses... so few braincellses

Syx [10:32 AM]:  
OMFR precious we has spoken to this hobbitses 3 times today and each time we has had to tellses her to getses us the error message, and takeses the phone off speakerses because we can'ts hear her...

Kaffn8 [10:33 AM]:  
Smeagol wantses to go homeses and makes with the artsy stuffs...don't wanna chase stupid hobbitses with issueses.

Syx [10:34 AM]:  
Gollum would chaseses them with a torcheses and pitchforkses

Kaffn8 [10:36 AM]:  
Can we makeses the forks artsy??? then wes can chases them to Shelob in Styles!

Syx [10:37 AM]:  
bedazzleses that shit... yes we will

Syx [10:48 AM]:  
Stupid hobbitses STFU and get to the point. We knowses you had to waitses a long time, we is BUSY. Just let us do our jobses and gets on with our day

Syx [10:59 AM]:  
and when we askeses for the spelling of your nameses, giveses us the spellingses don't just repeatses your name. If we knew how to spells it we wouldn't have askeses

Kaffn8 [11:09 AM]:  
No. i is not gonna work on your boxses if you are nots there!

Syx [12:00 PM]:  
Don't whineses about the wait time when we has answered your questions, we know it was longer than usual and all you is doings now is making the next hobbitses wait that much longer

Syx [12:19 PM]:  
mumbles mcwhiney is in... pray for our black little soulses precious, we gonna needs off the helps we can get

Kaffn8 [12:20 PM]:  
Did precious askses the wizards if they can move caves??

Syx [12:20 PM]:  
no but we thinks we is gonna have to....

Kaffn8 [12:22 PM]:  
I woulds, just hops the wall into the next caveses

Syx [12:24 PM]:  
And sitses next to Mom Voice

Kaffn8 [12:24 PM]:  
within throwing distanceses

Kaffn8 [2:49 PM]:  
Filthy hobbitses needs to be going back to the shire

Syx [2:50 PM]:  
Letses them snuggle with their taters and their 'Pipe' weed... *snort* Don't know who they thinkses they is fooling

Syx [3:01 PM]:  
Hobbitses trying to pass us around the office like a hot pocketses at a stoner partieses

Syx [3:24 PM]:  
only 6 minutes left

Kaffn8 [3:25 PM]:  
We are happy! Like hobbitses with seconds breakfastses

Syx [3:26 PM]:  
Second breakfastses server by scantily clad princeses yessssssssssssssss

Syx [3:31 PM]:  
freedom!


	20. Day 20 - Their taking the boxeses to Isengard

Day 20 - Their taking the boxeses to Isengard

Syx [7:08 AM]:  
looks like Mirkwood is back up

Syx [7:10 AM]:  
6559 boxeses in Isengard this morning precious

Kaffn8 [8:18 AM]:  
Stupid hobbitses...saving up systems for all at once

Kaffn8 [8:37 AM]:  
just had 19 to remove from Isengard...precious, my fingers is tired

Syx [8:38 AM]:  
False Hobbitses tellings us that the boxese won't power on when it does and they is getting a failure error....

Syx [9:01 AM]:  
Deaf hobbitses, we can fix your boxeses, we don't work on the orc websiteses, go call Azgog and askses him to fix his shit

Syx [9:19 AM]:  
No hobbit we is not going to sit on the line with you while you activateses the certses. And here's a novel ideas, how about you stop tellingses us how you know everythingses and follows fracking instructionses

Kaffn8 [9:49 AM]:  
Cause stoopids hobbitses cannots fathoms the written words

Kaffn8 [9:50 AM]:  
Smealgol is tired of this shit. 

Syx [9:51 AM]:  
Gollum feels our painses

Kaffn8 [9:58 AM]:  
if the hobbitses are nots happy, they needs to complain to the wizards...

Syx [9:59 AM]:  
Level 2 trollses should NOT need to be told that computerses needs to be ON and connected to get helpses

Syx [10:05 AM]:  
*head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk*

Syx [10:18 AM]:  
OMFR... if you don't have a lan cable plugged in you won't get network connection

Kaffn8 [10:19 AM]:  
I thought it went through the air...

Syx [11:12 AM]:  
False hobbitses, don't tells us you is at the computer when it's in another  
room!

Kaffn8 [11:32 AM]:  
yay precious! we gets to eats luncheses now!

Syx [11:41 AM]:  
Mom Voice is not puttin up with hobbity shit today 

Kaffn8 [11:41 AM]:  
me either, had one tell me that their machine was Isengard for a month...

Syx [11:43 AM]:  
tricksey false hobbitses

Syx [12:48 PM]:  
OMFR, shutses the cake hole and listen to the instructions stupid fat hobbitses... hopes they choke on the elfs breadses

Syx [12:58 PM]:  
... Hobbitses just called, they is on 1st floor in dwarfses Mountain, magic boxeses is on the 3rd floor... So much hate precious sooooo much hate

Kaffn8 [12:59 PM]:  
I talked with thosess hobbitses earlier...idjits

Syx [1:03 PM]:  
Hobbitses - proof that Yavanna was wrong

Syx [3:30 PM]:  
background hobbitses need to stfu...

Kaffn8 [3:30 PM]:  
foolish, stinky hobbitses...

Syx [3:30 PM]:  
holy crap precious log out!


	21. Day 21 - Assmuffins and Idjitses

Syx [7:45 AM]:  
So many boxeses in Isengard this morning,

Kaffn8 [7:46 AM]:  
Smeagol has no paitence for these hobbitses today...

Syx [7:52 AM]:  
Gollum is all out of fucks to give today yesssss

Syx [7:52 AM]:  
over 100 raven messages already, so glad I don't have them

Kaffn8 [7:53 AM]:  
Our cups of cares is empty

Syx [8:46 AM]:  
When we says turn the magic boxeses off, wait a minute and then turnses it on, we means it. Stop askings us questionses and follow directionses

Kaffn8 [9:13 AM]:  
stupid hobbitses...don't wants to listen...don'ts calls us!!

Syx [10:23 AM]:  
We says it's a connectivity issueses, we said nothing abouts the power supplieses... idjitses....

Kaffn8 [10:29 AM]:  
Foolish hobbitses, cannot tell the difference between logging in and getting on the interwebs

Syx [10:33 AM]:  
mouthy hobbitses so busy blowing noise out their cake holeses they don't hear our instructionses

Kaffn8 [10:34 AM]:  
and stops restarting your boxeses when we answer the phone

Kaffn8 [10:34 AM]:  
If you's don't takeses so long, then none of the other hobbitses has to wait that long either

Syx [10:35 AM]:  
At least have the restart finished before you callses, foolish foolish hobbitses

Syx [11:21 AM]:  
Foolish hobbitses, if the boxeses is already in Erebor, we can't take it to Erebor!

Syx [12:04 PM]:  
hobbitses need to get their shit together before they callses us for multiple boxeses to be taken Ereborses

Syx [12:28 PM]:  
no hobbitses you can't have gollums admin rights... you is not gollum, you is not even smeagol!

Syx [12:39 PM]:  
and don't turn the boxeses off! If they is off they can't getses the magic spells! And don't tells us the boxeses is one when we hears the Mordor Soulutions start-up chimeses!

Kaffn8 [1:38 PM]:  
quits touching things...

Kaffn8 [1:39 PM]:  
foolish hobbitses, I will cuts your fingers off and serves them to your owners

Syx [2:37 PM]:  
53 minutes left

Kaffn8 [2:45 PM]:  
46!

Syx [2:55 PM]:  
Stupid hobbit, we tolds you, boxeses is not in Isendgard, Stop arguing with us.

Syx [2:56 PM]:  
They is ass-muffins today precious.... Ass-Muffins!

Syx [2:58 PM]:  
'magic boxeses restarted on it's own...' no it didn't you tricksey false hobbitses. just wasting time now, go away and lets us help other hobbitses!

Kaffn8 [3:09 PM]:  
22 minuteses left! Oh happy day

Syx [3:15 PM]:  
happy dance precious!

Syx [3:16 PM]:  
14

Kaffn8 [3:27 PM]:  
4

Syx [3:28 PM]:  
2

Syx [3:30 PM]:  
Run!

Kaffn8 3:30 PM]:  
dang...

Kaffn8 [3:30 PM]:  
your hubby is stuck

Syx [3:31 PM]:  
yup snidely failses... we may have to leaveses him behind as spider-noms


	22. Day 22 - Fuck Mr Noodle

Day 22 - Fuck Mr Noodle

Kaffn8 [8:09 AM]:  
it's time for these hobbitses to go and get their second breakfasts

Syx [8:11 AM]:  
and quit whining about getting disconnected yesterdayses... you leaves the phone on muteses and we can't hear you, yes we will disconnect the callses

Kaffn8 [10:25 AM]:  
We realize, precious that all of our fuckses are gones...they has leftses us

Kaffn8 [10:25 AM]:  
likes a Gandalf leftses the hobbitses

Syx [10:25 AM]:  
Did you tellses them 'Fly you fools.' ?

Syx [11:52 AM]:  
Gollum is in Fuckity-bye moodses yesssss

Kaffn8 [11:53 AM]:  
yesss, yess we are

Syx [11:53 AM]:  
and sleepy precious so very sleepieses

Kaffn8 [11:54 AM]:  
wantses to go homes and curls up in the caveses

Syx [11:54 AM]:  
And yellses at Mr Noodle?

Kaffn8 [11:54 AM]:  
goddammit MR noodle!

Kaffn8 [11:55 AM]:  
but we has more than 1 channels...yes we do!

Syx [11:55 AM]:  
Mr Noodle don't knowses his elbowses from his assholeses

Syx [12:14 PM]:  
So many ravenses from the Level 2 Trollses to take boxeses to Ereborses... Stupid Trollses you know the wayses to the mountainses!

Syx [12:23 PM]:  
holdses our dignities precious, we is fixings to do some sketchy shitses

Kaffn8 [12:24 PM]:  
Nope, lasts times I held our dignities...I lost it.

Syx [12:25 PM]:  
we seeses how you is... we knowses you threw it out the windowses precious, yesss we dooooo

Kaffn8 [12:26 PM]:  
oh noes...it wasn't us that threw it out of the windows..

Syx [12:26 PM]:  
Filthy bagginses?

Kaffn8 [12:38 PM]:  
can you get into Mirkwood?

Syx [12:38 PM]: Gollums Will check

Kaffn8 [12:39 PM]:  
cause we is out in the colds precious

Syx [1:02 PM]:  
Getses the spinny wheelses of doom precious

Kaffn8 [1:08 PM]:  
hobbitses don't needs emails...hobbitses learns how to use pen and paper yes

Syx [1:40 PM]:  
False hobbitses you is not special... is not your birthday!

Syx [1:25 PM]:  
If you sendses us a ticket that just sayses malfunction we sendses it back as askses 'Mental'?

Syx [1:40 PM]:  
False hobbitses you is not special... is not your birthday!

Kaffn8 [2:17 PM]:  
http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinchack/gifs-guaranteed-to-make-you-laugh-every-time#.tun5GoG5Bg

Syx [2:33 PM]:  
lol we needed that precious

Syx [2:38 PM]:  
Pray for me precious, gots to call Lobelia Sackville-Bagginses to try and fix her boxeses...

Kaffn8 [2:38 PM]:  
ouch...

Syx [2:39 PM]:  
hurtses my black little soul, yes it doessssssss

Kaffn8 [2:56 PM]:  
34

Syx [3:07 PM]:  
23 so close to freedoms we can taste it precious

Kaffn8 [3:11 PM]:  
20

Syx [3:24 PM]:  
only 6 minuteses left

Syx [3:26 PM]:  
wheelses on the car go rounds and rounds...

Kaffn8 3:28 PM]:  
Phoneses is diff from systemses is diff from communicatorses...Is brokens!

Syx [3:29 PM]:  
your shitses is broken precious

Kaffn8 [3:29 PM]:  
yep it is bustedeses

Syx [3:30 PM]:  
0 run!


	23. DAY 23 - We is Gollum not Galadriel!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> double update today! kinda short though, sorry bout that.

DAY 23 - We is Gollum not Galadriel!

Syx [7:14 AM]:  
Good Morning Precious, we sees the hobbitses are needy this morning

Kaffn8 [7:14 AM]:  
yeses...they are... Needing a boots to the headses

Syx [7:16 AM]:  
Sendings us ravenses to complains that thier box is not working yet... Foolish Hobbitses, if the magic spellses worked then we would be out of a jobses

Kaffn8 [7:24 AM]:  
If you are gonna waste my times.... I am gonna wastes the fuckeses out of yours!

Kaffn8 [8:23 AM]:  
the urge to drop kick my phone is overwhelming today

Syx [8:24 AM]:  
giveses in to your hateses... joins the dark side!

Kaffn8 [8:25 AM]:  
If I gives into my hateses...I will not has a job lefts...

Syx: [8:26 AM]:  
true true...

Syx [8:26 AM]:  
At leasts the hateses keeps us warms

Syx [8:29 AM]:  
Rage-hugs

Kaffn8 8:31 AM]:  
I wanna breakses all teh things today...

Kaffn8 [8:58 AM]:  
stupid, stupid hobbitses, cannot answers a direct question today...needs to clean dirts out of their earses

Kaffn8 [10:19 AM]:  
omg, just shoot me now...it's not even a full moon and these people are driving me crazy

Syx [10:30 AM]:  
filthy hobbitses, if you has an error message, putses it in the ticket with the box name! we is nto mind readerses... does we Look like the Witch of the Woodses???

Kaffn8 [2:15 PM]:  
Smeagolis gonna go home and crawl into a bottle of mead tonight.

Syx [2:18 PM]:  
sounds like a good idea precious, thinks gollum wil do the same.

Kaffn8 [2:20 PM]:  
I am so tired of this crap today. I was totally put on the 666 switch

Kaffn8 2:38 PM]:  
what's your ticket #? I don't know I didn;'t write it down

Syx [2:39 PM]:  
Mr Noodle obviously fails, he should go away

Syx [3:25 PM]:  
5 minutes left

Syx [3:30 PM]:  
0

Kaffn8 [3:30 PM]:  
start teh car!!!


	24. Day 24 - Trolls and orcses

Day 24 - Trolls and orcses

Syx [7:17 AM]:  
Dayses like this makes us miss Mt Doom precious

Kaffn8 [7:17 AM]:  
With the solitude of the roaring volcano

Kaffn8 [11:12 AM]:  
Wants to talkses...but don'ts wants to jinxeses anythings...but silence is nice today

Syx [11:16 AM]:  
Whiney hobbitses need to get over themselves. We can'ts bypass the security because you don't has your shitses together

Syx [11:52 AM]:  
we bites our tongues so we don't calls the hobbitses butt-muncheses

Kaffn8 [11:53 AM]:  
probablys a good thing...don'ts want to callses a VIP a butt of any kinds

Syx [12:23 PM]:  
dear hobbitses, if you is not in the river... the boatses will not go anywhereses

Syx 1:23 PM]:  
stupid ass Deaf hobbitses trying to giveses us the stroke

Syx [1:25 PM]:  
And Mom Voice has had enough of the hobbitses shit today

Kaffn8 [1:33 PM]:  
no kidding!

Kaffn8 [1:34 PM]:  
'cause I think if I had her caller I would have had to pull out that voice too

Syx [2:26 PM]:  
Stupid level 2 trollses... don't getses snippy with us when we giveses you the same answer when you askses the same question. And you should knows how this shit works anyhow, you is level 2!

Kaffn8 [2:38 PM]:  
I hads to fix a ticket from a level 2 troll earlier...machine was in mordor....has to take out of mordor to fix...stoopid trolls

Syx [3:21 PM]:  
Stoopid systemses not letting us update our etchings...

Kaffn8 [3:22 PM]:  
I managed to lockses mine out...has to call the orcses

Kaffn8 [3:23 PM]:  
http://www.upworthy.com/a-reporter-talks-to-an-incredible-actor-like-hes-an-actress-and-he-doesnt-like-it-so-much?c=ufb1

Syx [3:25 PM]:  
CACKLE!

Kaffn8 [3:26 PM]:  
4

Syx [3:28 PM]:  
Hisssssssssssss

Syx [3:29 PM]:  
whew... that call was almost as short as the hobbitses is

Syx [3:30 PM]:  
0

Kaffn8 [3:30 PM]:  
Fly you fools!


	25. Day 25 - Scorn

Day 25 - Scorn

Kaffn8 [7:47 AM]:  
foolish hobbitses...we cannots take tarnished ringses to Sauron...Has to be shiney and new

Syx [7:47 AM]:  
oh precious the hobbitses are extra specfial today

Kaffn8 [8:36 AM]:  
yesss, they are.

Syx [9:21 AM]:  
this is the caaaall that doesn't eeeeend, yes it goes on and on my friiiiiiieeend

Kaffn8 [9:23 AM]:  
I have had a few of those today, and I am late for my break...

Kaffn8 [9:49 AM]:  
We is getting tired of having to type bookses for my ticketses today...

Syx [11:15 AM]:  
level 2 trollses need to gets their shitses together.

Kaffn8 [11:15 AM]:  
no kidding

Syx [12:03 PM]:  
whiney hobbitses, not my fault your boxeses is nto working. we can't fixeses you, you has to wait for level 2 trollses

Syx [12:31 PM]:  
preeeeeeciouuuuuuuuuusssssssssssss why do the hobbitses ask so many questionses? We is not hear to teach them how the river runses

Kaffn8 [12:31 PM]:  
But the galdalfs abandons the hobbitses....so they has to askses us

Syx [12:33 PM]:  
Scorn... we giveses the gandalfs the Gollum SCORN!

Kaffn8 [12:38 PM]:  
I really wish I could mute the phone on the users side

Syx [12:41 PM]:  
SILIENCE Hobbitses! We killses you!

Kaffn8 [12:41 PM]:  
Quits your infernal chewings in my ears!

Syx [12:46 PM]:  
we has explained this shit to you three times now filthy hobbit, we is done

Syx [1:00 PM]:  
filthy hobbitses We hopes you can feel the scorn across the phone lineses yes we do... hopes you choke on it

Kaffn8 [3:00 PM]:  
30

Syx [3:01 PM]:  
sweet mercy yes....

Kaffn8 [3:02 PM]:  
but some people should not be allowed around anything with moving parts

Syx [3:29 PM]:  
is never a good thing when hobbitse as start the conversation with 'I think I really Screwed up.'

Kaffn8 3:29 PM]:  
ouchses...

Syx [3:31 PM]:  
BEGONE!


	26. Day 26 - BALLS! and twigses

Syx [7:37 AM]:  
impatient hobbitses... No you can't passes us around the office likes the cheap hookerses.

Kaffn8 [7:38 AM]:  
Oh the hobbitses are on tops of things todays...

Syx [8:07 AM]:  
This fecking hobbit is useless

Syx [8:08 AM]:  
and lucky we can'ts slap a hobbit through tcp/ip

Syx [8:57 AM]:  
filthy trollses! you knows how the Isengard to Erebor workses... stop askings us foolish questionses!

Kaffn8 [9:05 AM]:  
stupid foolish hobbitses...turn your radios down if you wants helps!

Kaffn8 [9:05 AM]:  
Can't hears you over bad AM play by plays...

Syx [9:06 AM]:  
Is they listening to the troll king?

Kaffn8 [9:06 AM]:  
I wishes

Kaffn8 [9:07 AM]:  
instead of statics and loud sportses guys

Syx [9:09 AM]:  
This fecking hobbitses is an idjit

Syx [9:26 AM]:  
BALLS!

Kaffn8 [9:27 AM]:  
is bobby/gollum having a moments???

Syx [9:28 AM]:  
yesss because Gollum wants to be Bobby when we growses up...

Kaffn8 [9:29 AM]:  
no, you don'ts lookses like a ditchable proms date...

Syx [9:29 AM]:  
Lol

Syx [9:31 AM]:  
But we wantses the Crowley precious... He would help us Mt Doom the hobbitses, yes he would

Syx [10:18 AM]:  
fecking hobbitses, if you is gettings an error message, tellses what it is!

Kaffn8 [10:20 AM]:  
nopes...no messages for us.

Syx [10:21 AM]:  
for sauron's sakes... is we grootses? is that why hobbitses don't understand simple questions?

Syx [11:14 AM]:  
ASSMUFFINS

Syx [11:51 AM]:  
stupid ass false hobbitses, we hateses them precious, we hatses them forever!

Kaffn8 [12:28 PM]:  
I thinks the Gandalfs needs t0 teach the hobbitses to reads....theys can't tell anything from holes in the grounds

Syx [12:29 PM]:  
Needs to teach them to shuts the cake holeses too.

Kaffn8 [12:31 PM]:  
Stuff thems full of elveses breads to shuts up.

Syx [12:49 PM]:  
But but but i'm a sackville bagginses... what do you mean i can't has the printing presses all to myself, i don't wants to have to shaaaaaaaaaare...

Syx [12:49 PM]:  
Shut up whiney hobbitses you is not the thain, you has to share

Syx [12:59 PM]:  
foolish hobbitses, if you don't puts the information in your ticketses you don't gets to complains about delayses

Syx [1:05 PM]:   
we can hears you precious, You gots the Shire hobbitses?

Kaffn8 [1:06 PM]:  
nope, Bree

Kaffn8 [1:07 PM]:  
orceses tolds him they don't do personal rings anymore

Kaffn8 [1:08 PM]:  
told him orcses are lying, they is the only ones that can fix personal rings...

Syx [1:10 PM]:  
Stoopid orcses

Syx [1:14 PM]:  
So many boxeses in Isengard today precious...

Kaffn8 [1:15 PM]:  
I has one that is stuck between mordor and isengard...one foots on either side

Kaffn8 [1:55 PM]:  
we needs to roll these hobbitses under the rockses, smash thems into foods for Shelobs...

Syx [2:01 PM]:  
Smeagol SMASH!

Kaffn8 [2:13 PM]:  
(ip) *Communicator emoji for island with palm trees*

Syx [2:15 PM]:  
Aruba, Jamaica... oooh we wants to stake ya

Kaffn8 [2:58 PM]:  
but I don't wants to be staked@


	27. day 27 - Feck it allllll

Kaffn8 [8:14 AM]:  
stupid hobbitses...their voices are grating on our nerveses

Kaffn8 [8:38 AM]:  
how many times do you think I can hit my head on my desk without breaking the desk today???

Syx [8:39 AM]:  
ooh precious we could have our own head-desk drumline today yes we could

Syx [8:56 AM]:  
look precious, look at all the fucks we don't giveses

Kaffn8 [9:12 AM]:  
we wantses to pops their heads off like dandielions....

Syx [9:12 AM]:  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohBQ59OXnYM  
Feck it allllll

Syx [9:14 AM]:  
the 2 minute version becuase we needses it precious yes we do

Syx [10:10 AM]:  
stoopid-ass hobbitses... stop calling in groups. We is not troubleshooting by white-council, this is a gollum-ship. And now we has told you 4 times now that we is submitting the ticket for you, don't createses a duplicate ticket... hisssssssssssss

Syx [10:11 AM]:  
Hobbitses also need to hangs up the phone before they startses their bitching, yess they doooo

Syx [10:59 AM]:  
oh we is terribly sorry precious, is our attempt to fix your POS box interferring with your social visit? We can leaveses if you want...

Syx [11:33 AM]:  
we is 100% of done with these hobbitses

Kaffn8 [12:17 PM]:  
So apparently, when I run out of fucks to give, my call times go up

Syx [12:17 PM]:  
LOL!

Kaffn8 [12:18 PM]:  
cause this one is running on empty today

Syx [12:40 PM]:  
Trollses needs to remember, we may be short, but that makeses hitting under  
the beltses easier

Syx [12:48 PM]:  
heh heh heh just got a hobbitses in trouble...

Kaffn8 [12:50 PM]:  
oh! do tell!

Syx [1:08 PM]:  
could hears the hobbit tellings his manager how he requested the account weekses ago... so when we goes into the system we sees it was requested today... We tellses on the tricksy false hobbitses

Kaffn8 [1:16 PM]:  
foolish, tricksey hobbitses...stop installing every printer you can see!

Syx [1:22 PM]:  
greedy foolish hobbitses wanting everythings... You don't deserveses everythings!

Syx [3:11 PM]:  
Level 2 trolls damageses our calm precious.. they gives us 15 boxeses to moved from Isengard to Erebor... We is not pleased

Syx [3:16 PM]:  
Hissssss now bastard troll has 'just 3 more boxeses..."

Kaffn8 [3:20 PM]:  
only 3 more...

Syx [3:24 PM]:  
This is why we use the big rock precious....

Syx [3:30 PM]:  
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Kaffn8 [3:30 PM]:  
Suck

Syx [3:32 PM]:  
master has given gollum a sock, Gollum is FREE!!!!

Kaffn8 [3:33 PM]:  
run!!!


	28. Day 28 - of Balrog shit and relics

Day 28 - of Balrog shit and relics

 

Syx [7:29 AM]:  
Good morning precious, we is flavoring our morning coffee with the crushed  
hopes and shattered dreams of hobbitses

Kaffn8 [7:30 AM]:  
Bitter and black as our soulsss...

Syx 7:35 AM]:  
Brewed with the tearses of the damned and warmed over the fireses of perdition

Kaffn8 [8:24 AM]:  
And burnings of politicians...

Syx [8:29 AM]:  
makeses for a toasty fire yes it doesssssss

Kaffn8 8:31 AM]:  
stoopid, mean hobbitses...we can only let you out of mordor for a day...not 3 days, we is not gandalfs, we don't has the rights

Syx [8:37 AM]:  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qeuL5IGimCQ

Kaffn8 [9:55 AM]:  
Do you think that rabbit would work on end users???

Syx [10:06 AM]:  
Tricksy hobbitses, if you is having trouble hearing us... takeses the phone on speaker mode... stoooppids

Kaffn8 [10:53 AM]:  
we is hungry...our belly sounds like podses of whaleses...

Syx [10:55 AM]:  
Rumbleses like Mount Doomses it does

Syx [11:53 AM]:  
Idjit hobbitses are idjitses

Kaffn8 [11:53 AM]:  
yesss, they is...

Syx [1:50 PM]:  
Hobbitses is pretending to be dwarveses, dug up a box with vista on it...

Kaffn8 [1:54 PM]:  
Where in middle earth did they find that relic?? was it buried with the arkenstone?

Syx [1:56 PM]:  
Maybe a Balrogses shat it out?

Kaffn8 [1:57 PM]:  
or the goblins were using it as a door stop

Syx [2:26 PM]:  
why must the hobbitses test our paitenceses precious

 

Kaffn8 [3:04 PM]:  
Don't these hobbitses has holes to go to???

Syx [3:09 PM]:  
is we red x'd precious? we thinks our phone is broke

Kaffn8 [3:09 PM]:  
no such lucks...we has the deafening silence too...

Kaffn8 [3:10 PM]:  
phoneses not brokes...finally hobbitses broke

Syx: [3:10 PM]:  
oh happy daaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Kaffn8 [3:31 PM]:  
fffuuuuuu!

Syx [3:32 PM]:  
yup still on with my hobbitses


	29. Day 29 - Assmuffins and LURVE

Day 29 - Assmuffins and LURVE

Kaffn8 [7:10 AM]:  
I don't see how we can trust you with pants if you can't follow simple directions...

Syx [7:11 AM]:  
Cackle

Syx [7:11 AM]:  
Silly silly hobbitses...

Kaffn8 [8:00 AM]:  
stupid whiney hobbitses...if you don't wants to wait...don'ts callses!!!

Syx [8:02 AM]:  
Hobbitses need to pull on their big hobbits pantieses and deal

Kaffn8 [8:38 AM]:  
Oh precious...we has lost our give-a-damns...and i think the nasty orcses stole all of our fucks

Syx [8:56 AM]:  
The field where we plantses our fuckses is fallow, then salted and burned

Syx [9:44 AM]:  
Foolish hobbitses, you needed the spell updated on the card if you wantses to get to your emailses!

Syx [9:54 AM]:  
Creeper hobbitses.. why do they breath so hard into the phone precious?

Kaffn8 [9:55 AM]:  
it's cause they is in lurves with the Gollum

Syx [9:56 AM]:  
If they lurveses us so much they should follow the directionses

Kaffn8 [9:56 AM]:  
Nopes. It's cause teh lurves makeses them stoopid.

Syx 10:20 AM]:  
Did we saaaaaaaaaaaaaay restart the box? No! Shutses the cake-hole and listen!

Syx [10:52 AM]:  
We wantses an airhorn precious, that way when hobbitses start to ignore us in the middle of a call we can blast them with the noiseses yesssssssssssss

Kaffn8 [10:53 AM]:  
but only on their side...we would all be deafs

Syx [11:00 AM]:  
But if we is deaf we cannot hearses the nasty hobbitses

Syx [11:02 AM]:  
No hobbit, we can't tellses you what was wrong if you don't haveses the error message and your boxeses is now working, we is not Valar you ass-muffinses

Kaffn8 [12:14 PM]:  
If I askses you if links works in websites...don't tells me you can't open any websites...

Syx [12:31 PM]:  
If we askeses you to go to a website, don't tellses us you is not good with computers, we knowses you can open the internetses we know you surfses the prons

Kaffn8 [1:57 PM]:  
do you thinks it's possible to seperate the skins from hobbitses over tcp/ip???

Syx [2:15 PM]:  
We can only wish precious... We also has your favorite mouth breathing hobbitses on our line

Kaffn8 [2:16 PM]:  
which ones?? I seem to be collecting themses

Syx: [2:16 PM]:  
Sir Ass-muffin

Kaffn8 [2:17 PM]:  
I is sorry precious... we's had to talk to him like 2 times already today. yesss we did

Kaffn8 [2:17 PM]:  
We needs to throw him in mt dooms

Syx [2:28 PM]:  
Wish he would just send his requests in via raven...

Kaffn8 [3:03 PM]:  
I swear to Gandalfs...these hobbitses are wasting our times cause they has to sit on holds

Syx [3:04 PM]:  
26 minutes left

Syx 3:05 PM]:  
Snotty hobbitses, if they would listen and get to the point we could help them and get to the next shire-monkey

Syx [3:29 PM]:  
we is almost free likeses birds

Kaffn8 [3:30 PM]:  
Almost

Syx [3:30 PM]:  
RUN!

Kaffn8 [3:30 PM]:  
fly you fools fly!!!


	30. Day 30 - Express elevator to hell, Fuck it, we needses a cookie

Day 30 - - Express elevator to hell, Fuck it, we needses a cookie

Kaffn8 [7:25 AM]:  
that warm and fuzzy feelings we gets when a hobbitses acutally listens to directions

Syx [7:27 AM]:  
Warmses the cockles of our cold black little heartses it does

Kaffn8 [8:30 AM]:  
precious, we losses the crystal ball on march 2ndssss

Syx [8:32 AM]:  
Sauron is a bastard precious... will regretses taking it from us yesssss

Syx [8:32 AM]:  
Fecking hobbitses, the box is in Erebor... gets off our line so we can get to the next call!

Syx [8:34 AM]:  
been on this call for 20 minuteses... boxeses were back in Erebor after 5 minutses... snotty deaf hobbitses need to listen

Syx [8:39 AM]:  
hissssssssssssss if you don't giveses us the right box name we can't fixeses it!

Syx [8:39 AM]:  
Gollum needs a cookie

Syx [9:25 AM]:  
Isengard Orcs says they fixed the problemses with boxeses not going to Erebor... but they has 25K boxeses left to check....

Kaffn8 9:25 AM]:  
stupid lying orcses...can't counts past 10 with their shoeses on...

Syx [9:26 AM]:  
And only if they gotses all their toeses

Syx [10:27 AM]:  
http://www.polyvore.com/music_shirts_clothing/thing?context_id=1559642&context_type=lookbook&id=56070241  
Waaaaaaaaant this shirt precious

Syx [11:05 AM]:  
hobbitses not listening today, our cup of care is empty

Kaffn8 [11:07 AM]:  
the pity pizza's the trolls are trying to bribes us with are here...like your tastyness is going to makes up for our problems...

Syx [11:08 AM]:  
Or for deaf-fecking hobbitses

Kaffn8 [12:20 PM]:  
stupid hobbitsses...we did not say tries to log in again...we don'ts have times to wait for you

Syx [12:40 PM]:  
Oh precious did you see the shit-storm alert they just issued??? No more sending boxeses form Isengard to Erebor until further notice... The wailing and gnashing of teethses now beginses

Kaffn8 [12:41 PM]:  
ouchses..

Syx [2:44 PM]:  
Wants a nap precious... Hobbitses makes us tired

Syx [3:15 PM]:  
only 15 minutes left precious

Syx [3:20 PM]:  
scourge the shireses precious?

Kaffn8 [3:20 PM]:  
11 minutes left

Syx [3:20 PM]:  
10

Kaffn8 [3:20 PM]:  
nuke the entires sites from orbits....its the only ways to be sure...

Syx [3:21 PM]:  
5x5, express elveatorses to Mordorses

Kaffn8 [3:25 PM]:  
Going downseses!!!

Kaffn8 [3:25 PM]:  
somebodys wakes up bilbo...

Syx [3:26 PM]:  
with an axeses... yesssssssss

Syx [3:28 PM]:  
2 minuteses

Syx [3:29 PM]:  
1

Syx [3:30 PM]:  
0


	31. Golum and Smeagol ride AGAIN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The suck is strong

[2015/11/09 7:23 AM]Kaffn8:  
Is the suck the same today precious?

[2015/11/09 7:29 AM] Syx:  
yes yes it issssss Filthy Trollses still screwed us over 

[2015/11/09 7:41 AM] Kaffn8):  
Do we has any idea when the trollses will haves their shits together?

[2015/11/09 7:41 AM] Syxmaxwell:  
never! they suckes too much to gets their shits together  
no hobbitses you don't giveses us other hobbitses info, you giveses us  
yours. You is the ones that called us!

[2015/11/09 7:43 AM] Kaffn8:  
My hobbitses tried to give me some other hobbitses card info

[2015/11/09 7:43 AM] Syx:  
mine too

[2015/11/09 7:43 AM] Kaffn8:  
and then the tricksy hobbitses tried to play it off....  
Told them the information had to match or it would not generate moon runeses

[2015/11/09 7:56 AM] Kaffn8 :  
We refuses to be passed around today. We is not a freaking party favorses

[2015/11/09 7:57 AM] Syx:  
Tricksy Trolls the calls us and giveses us their info then conference in the  
hobbit for the moon runeses. Now we is not sure if the stupid boxeses has  
the runses before or not. filthy lying trollses

[2015/11/09 7:58 AM] Kaffn8:  
takes all of the hobbitses and throws them in the mount dooms we do...

[2015/11/09 8:00 AM] Syx:  
yesssssssssss and the trollses Roast the trolls over the flames of mordor  
and perdition

[2015/11/09 8:02 AM] Syx:  
We wants to cry precious, we really really do

[2015/11/09 8:02 AM] Kaffn8:  
Feeds the trolls to the orcses...  
we don'ts have any more tears lefts...

[2015/11/09 8:04 AM] Kaffn8:  
stupid hobbitses! we needs your information! we can gives you what you  
wants, but we needs your stuff!!! 

[2015/11/09 8:06 AM] Kaffn8:  
We almost rans off with the ents...went somewhere where there are no  
hobbitses...

[2015/11/09 8:54 AM] Syx:  
takes us with you precious, don't leaves us behind

[2015/11/09 9:27 AM] Kaffn8:  
Blragh

[2015/11/09 9:29 AM] Kaffn8:  
We needs a lift, just to look at the raven tickets...some of thems are funny

[2015/11/09 9:53 AM] Syx:  
ooo the hobbitses is funny in the raven ticketses?

[2015/11/09 9:53 AM] Kaffn8:  
they is most amusing

[2015/11/09 10:43 AM] Kaffn8:  
if yous have to dos the moon runeses more than 2 times, you shoulds know  
where everythings is by heartes!

[2015/11/09 10:44 AM] Syx:  
no joke

[2015/11/09 11:01 AM] Syx:  
Precious we gets to move a box from mordor to erebor! we is sooo happy is  
not stupid moon runes!

[2015/11/09 11:01 AM] Kaffn8:  
whoo hoo!!!  
We had an magic door call earlier

[2015/11/09 11:30 AM] Syx:  
stoopid hobbitses need to stfu and listen to what we tellses them  
and gets off our line, we fixed your moon runeses now go away!

[2015/11/09 11:52 AM]Kaffn8:  
stupid deaf hobbitses...

[2015/11/09 3:03 PM] Syx:  
Swear to Sauron we's 3 seconds from making likes the little bunny fuu fuu...  
Ragings through the forest, picking ups the hobbits and smack'em on the  
headses

[2015/11/09 3:19 PM] Kaffn8:  
I says we don't just smacks them... I say we drops thems from very high  
cliffs and watch them bounce when they hits the ground

[2015/11/09 3:20 PM] Syx:  
Boing boing boing SPLAT!


	32. Done, so very very done

[2015/11/10 7:42 AM] Syx:  
Hobbitses need to listen to the front end message. We tellses you do not reboot! We misseses the penalty hold option precious yes we do.

[2015/11/10 7:47 AM] Kaffn8:  
foolish hobbitses. We are getting tired of their whinings... Sorry hobbitses....I am not holding for you....We knows you has to waits, but you is in line...you don'ts gets to leave the lines and gets your place backs!

[2015/11/10 8:02 AM] Syx:  
We giveses them the moon runes and they asks us, 'Do I need to type that in?'  
No stupid hobbitses , you should stare longingly at it like the last piece of cakeses in the shire!

[2015/11/10 8:04 AM] Kaffn8:  
If yous thinks that it will work with the telepathies, we would really likeses to see it

[2015/11/10 8:09 AM] Syx:  
Hobbitses: Type the whole thing in?  
Gollum: noooo just smash you faceses into the keyboards, it will magically enter the runeses, yes it will...

[2015/11/10 8:12 AM]Syx:  
Really? REALLY?!?! We has told you type in all the moon runeses! Do not keep askings us! We hopes you feelses the scorn in our voice yesss we do

[2015/11/10 8:15 AM] Kaffn8:  
Foolish hobbitses, if you needs to have a box added, and you also need runses...tell us! We is not mind readers, and regardless of your ability to multi-taskses, we is talented that way

[2015/11/10 8:18 AM] Kaffn8:  
Gollum should have stayed in the caveses

[2015/11/10 8:19 AM] Syx:  
Nice warm caveses, with the easy access to the prons

[2015/11/10 9:59 AM] Syx:  
Oh precious we needs a nap. The hobbitses suck the life and energy out of us

[2015/11/10 10:00 AM] Kaffn8:  
Yess, we do needs a nap...back in the warm caveses far away from the mean tricksy hobbitses

[2015/11/10 10:06 AM] Syx:  
no hobbit, we can't see inside your box. you is not even logged on yet!

[2015/11/10 12:08 PM] Syx:  
stooopid hobbitses if your box was already aligned with erebor, we don't needed to do it again

[2015/11/10 12:11 PM] Kaffn8:  
no, smeagol will not wait while you do your entire account request...smeagols got shit to do

[2015/11/10 1:40 PM] Syx:  
we has to ask for hobbitses nameses more than three times; we wants to set them on fire with our minds

[2015/11/10 1:44 PM] Kaffn8:  
smeagol just asked a hobbits if they had a peanut butter sammich in their drive....and our neighbor lost his shit

[2015/11/10 1:45 PM] Syx:  
is like the Dennis Leary says: Peanut butters does not dock!

[2015/11/10 3:08 PM] Kaffn8:  
Is a miracle precious!

[2015/11/10 3:08 PM] Syx:  
Yes yes is issss the ring ring in is quiet! bless us and splash us precious has the hobbitses all gone home?

[2015/11/10 3:09 PM]Kaffn8:  
We can hopes! or they are walking to Mordor and no cell receptions!

[2015/11/10 3:11 PM] Kaffn8:  
The moons is going in to the dark....no moon runes visible now

[2015/11/10 3:31 PM] Syx:  
sweet sweet freedom precious!

[2015/11/10 3:31 PM] Kaffn8:  
lucky snot, we is gone not to far behind


End file.
